'Teen

"There's a coast to coast scissor-sweep of tresses!" proclaims the May 1963 issue of 'Teen magazine, with more enthusiasm than we have ever felt about anything in our entire lives. Beauty editor Marie Fenton offers readers a selection of short, stylish cuts, inexplicably sorted by region of the United States. Some are adorable; some are awful. Which beach-ready look are you ready to bring back?

In the Southeast

Datelines

'Teen

If you've ever wondered why there's a hole in the ozone layer, consider the sheer volume of hairspray necessary to achieve this style.

Even-Steven

A bare forehead is the devil's playground.

Cover Girl Cut

'Teen

"It's no longer smart to tease your hair into balloony shapes or wear it long, stringy and sagging," says 'Teen. That said, it's still smart to twist your hair into poodles, flowers, and other balloon animal shapes.

On the West Coast

Urchin-With-A-Comb

All the glamour of Oliver Twist with none of the gruel.

Feathered Feeling

"A great way to look at party time."

Teen Chemise

A dominant theme of the West Coast styles is that your hair should look as though it's eating your head.

In the Midwest

The Jet Cut

This tapered cut, set on medium rollers, is perfect for a "new, small head look."

The Pretty Soft

'Teen

Well, no, it's not very soft, but it is pretty soft.

The Wendy

You may think the Pretty Soft and the Wendy are identical, but that's because you're a moron. You can pick out a girl with a Wendy cut in a crowd by the pencil she is holding against her cheek, at all times.

In the Northeast

Neatie-Pie

Take note: "Expert cutting required for this style."

Schoolboy Cut

'Teen describes this style as "frankly short, frolicking."

Show the Brow

'Teen

Shoutout to this gal for pulling off a cable-knit turtleneck in the summer.

In the Southwest

Oliver Shortie

"Easy to fix even after a pool dunking."

The Side Scoop

'Teen

"Dreamy style is sure to turn all eyes your way, no matter where," because the altitude of this cut assures you'll be visible to any person within a two-mile radius.

The Princess

Also known as the Wind Tunnel.

Previously:

Molly Fitzpatrick is senior editor of Fusion's Pop & Culture section. Her interests include movies about movies, TV shows about TV shows, and movies about TV shows, but not so much TV shows about movies.

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