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On Wednesday, Donald Trump will receive his first classified intelligence briefing, as is customary for presidential nominees of both parties.

The briefing, according to Yahoo, will “be a one-off review of major national security concerns”—a sort of crash course on threats to America.

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Incredibly, I was able to travel into the future and obtain a transcript of this top-secret, closed-door meeting. Here are several key scenes:  


SENIOR INTELLIGENCE OFFICIAL: Mr. Trump, today we’re going to be reviewing some of the biggest threats facing our country. The material I’m about to share with you is highly confidential, and understanding this intelligence is key in our fight against global terrorism.

TRUMP: [distracted by a commercial for Sausage Party] Terrific, go for it.

OFFICIAL: Can you turn off the television?

TRUMP: Of course I can.

He does not move.


OFFICIAL: First, I want to discuss ISIS and Boko Haram.

TRUMP: Barack Hussein.

OFFICIAL: Pardon?

TRUMP: The founder of ISIS is “Barack Hussein.” You said something else—Bojack Horseman?

OFFICIAL: Boko Haram?

TRUMP: …

OFFICIAL: Surely you know Boko Haram?

TRUMP: …

TRUMP: I think we’re going to be very competitive in Puerto Rico. Very competitive.


TRUMP: Can I ask you a question about an ongoing military operation?

OFFICIAL: Absolutely.

TRUMP: My question is about the Infowars.

OFFICIAL: The website?

TRUMP: Is Infowars a war against Info, like the “Vietnam War,” or a war using information, like a “Nuclear War”?

OFFICIAL: That’s not really…

TRUMP: Second question: As president, will I be authorized to nuke the moon?


OFFICIAL: Okay, that was a long, but comprehensive, overview of the burgeoning terrorism situation in Southern Thailand. Do you have any questions?

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TRUMP: Yeah, what's a better nickname for Tim Kaine — Tiny Tim, or Harmonica Willie?

OFFICIAL: I really don't have an opinion.

TRUMP: [distracted by yet another commercial for Sausage Party] I always thought of donuts as men, but I guess in this movie they are women.


OFFICIAL: We want to give you updates on a few public health crises.

TRUMP: Let me guess: Hillary caught the disease from Elephant Man.

OFFICIAL: No. The CDC is continuing to track the spread of Zika.

TRUMP: Does Hillary have it?

OFFICIAL: No. There have also been a few reports of polio in…

TRUMP: Hillary? Polio, I knew it.

OFFICIAL: In Nigeria. Finally, there’s a cholera epidemic in Central African Republic.

TRUMP: Which one?

OFFICIAL: Central African Republic.

TRUMP: I know, but which Central African Republic?

OFFICIAL: That’s the name of the country.

TRUMP: Is this an Abbott & Costello bit? I don’t do bits.

OFFICIAL: No, it’s—

TRUMP: Hold on, I’m tweeting that Hillary has the Elephant Man disease.


OFFICIAL: Mr. Trump, the next thing I’m about to tell you is of immense importance. Knowledge of this fact is absolutely essential for any serious—

TRUMP: Yeah, I’ve gotta run.

OFFICIAL: But I—

TRUMP: Sausage Party starts in 15 and I don’t want to miss the pre-show with Maria Menounous.

Trump leaves. Governor Chris Christie sits in his chair.

GOV. CHRIS CHRISTIE: You can tell me that essential information for serious presidential candidates.

The Senior Intelligence Official says nothing. Gov. Christie becomes incredibly sad.

CHRISTIE: Donald didn’t invite me to go see Sausage Party.