All the bear news fit to print in the year 2015

Some people like bear news. Some people love bear news. And then there’s the rare individual with a Google alert for “bears.” I am all of these people.

This year, I searched the globe near and far for the best news regarding all matters ursine. In the end, I returned with this list of the best bears in the USA in 2015.

9. The bear who fucked up a kayak

Perhaps no other bear made waves like this devious bear. I still remember logging onto Twitter that morning and watching streams of amateur bear news consumers blowing their load over this bear munching on this woman’s kayak. Who will ever forget the existential despair of her desperate pleas? I won’t. They’re seared into my dreams. But this is only the ninth best bear this year. Don’t be fooled by the mainstream media.

8. The bears who hung out in a pool

Yeah, that’s more than one bear. Get off my back. Maybe take a lesson from these bears—take a dip in the pool. Breathe in. It can always be summer in your mind.

7. The Deadspin Bear Of The Year (yeah right)

Over at Deadspin, Tom Ley does a bang-up job chronicling some of the year’s best bears. On Monday, they dubbed their “bear of the year” the “Extra-Cool Polar Bear Discovers Many Ways To Enjoy His Items.” While no one here is trying to say this isn’t a good bear, it is NOWHERE NEAR the best of this year. There are many better bears. Keep up.

6. The bear stuck in a tree

Perhaps I ought to say “once stuck in a tree,” because, as is evident, the bear clearly escaped his fate in time, but not without some help—some homies needed to shoot this ol’ bear with a tranquilizer gun to get him down from his perch. We can all learn a little something about perseverance from this big motherfucker.

5. The bear who broke into a house and sipped on a beverage

Mmm, end of the day, me and you lookin’ for a little brewski, right? Beer? Bear likes beer. Good bear. Great bear, even. Fight me.

4. The bear who wandered through a Montana high school

School’s out! Grab the Cheetos, dude! Let’s bust out of here!

NOT SO FAST. This bear was enlisted to stop any would-be hijinks from prospective truants—not this time, kids!

3. The bear who ate a bunch of dog food, and then fell asleep

Sometimes you eat the dog food; sometimes the dog food eats you. In this epic struggle between bear and dog food, we may never know the true victor.

2. The man wearing a bear costume who attacked a bunch of bears

No, that’s not actually a bear. Do I care? I do not.

1. The bear who broke up this Lehigh party

They tranquilized this dude for busting up a party near the Lehigh University campus sometime this June. Just tryin’ to party. Just tryin’ to have a good time. He is our best bear.