It’s just two days until the show of shows, Wrestlemania returns for its 30th edition. And, yeah, if you’re an overscheduled, stressed-out person, don’t knock pro wrestling until you’ve tried it again as a (semi) adult. The WWE in 2014 is as ridiculously larger than life as you remember as a kid, and it presents a comforting break from real life’s annoying nuance.
In wresting, you cheer or scream for loud sounds. Kinda knuckle-dragging hard rock often still reigns supreme and it sounds totally exciting in context. There are only good or bad guys—or people who flip from nearly totally good to nearly totally bad, and vice versa—and you’ll know because everyone watching around you will helpfully cheer or boo.
And, if you grew up on this stuff, there’s another even more important reason to tune in to Wrestlemania XXX on Sunday—it marks the return, after three years, of Stone Cold Steve Austin! He revealed all in this interview with TMZ yesterday, which you should totally watch, 'cause Stone Cold said so.
That’s the other thing that’s great about Wrestlemania-–like anything could happen, from people darn near returning from the dead to complete character reversals.
So if they can bring back Stone Cold to strike down with great vengeance and anger, surely they can bring back some other vintage wrestlers of our childhoods. How great would it be to see any of these guys and gals make a surprise appearance? A semi-adult can dream….
The Iron Sheik
You’d think the world would have forgotten about this classic Hulk Hogan foe of the ‘80s and ‘90s, but he runs a bizarrely amazing Twitter account that’s scored him fans who were born when he was on his way out. Just click here to read it ‘cause our rules about obscenity make this all unembeddable.
Anyways, there’s totally enough of a refreshed fan base there, even if the Sheik himself is a little long in the tooth and not entirely in wrestling shape.
Likelihood of This Actually Happening: Absolutely nil, because the Sheik’s gonna be hosting a watch party at a bar in New York on Sunday.https://twitter.com/the_ironsheik/status/451438761679675392
The formerly blonde bombshell Trish hasn’t even been out of the wrestling game for THAT long, but very, very few of the current divas can measure up to her special combo of brains, brawn, and spunk. Imagine if she just randomly came into the Vickie Guerrero Divas Championship Invitational and just schooled everyone?
Likelihood of This Actually Happening: Very unlikely—she’s busy with her rapidly expanding yoga empire. But at least we know she’s still in shape if she ever decides to make a comeback.
If you remember him, LOL. I mean, every big wrestling night occasionally needs a good jobber, right? This is the dude whose whole shtick was being a classic New York type of dude who loved the Yankees and would get his ass beat, but would still go down swinging. Plus, if the CURRENT cultural Brooklyn cliché is of a pasty trust-fund hipster, how great would it be to bring back this old one?
Likelihood of This Actually Happening: Low at Wrestlemania, but not entirely out of the question for future WWE matches. He still works for WWE as a road agent and has made very occasional appearances on Raw over the past couple of years.
Here’s one of those rare-ish heels that everyone legitimately loved. Razor Ramon was a genuine badass (unfortunately, whose badassery extended to real life, with a string of personal problems for decades). But his 1994 Wrestlemania ladder match against Sean Michaels remains the stuff of wrestling legend—imagine if he just dropped by and pulled something like that again?
Likelihood of This Actually Happening: Very low. Ramon’s appeared in the recent WWE 2k14 game, but he’s mostly down with the clown now, hanging out with Insane Clown Posse and around their indie wrestling promotion.
Bret the Hitman Hart
Who doesn’t love a nice man from Canada who wins all the things, is a great technical wrestler, and is generally liked by everyone? Plus, if you grew up watching him, you know you always wanted to be that kid who got his glasses as he entered the ring.
Likelihood of This Actually Happening: You never know—he’s technically signed to WWE under a Legends contract.
This tag team has existed in pro wrestling for about 40 years under a host of related names including the Sheepherders, and occasionally with extra members. Still, the golden age of these New Zealanders was the '90s, when they won both “serious” and pure comedy matches as good guys. What even is this arm thing they used to do during their entrance? Is it supposed to be an authentic Kiwi gesture?
Also: They’re the only pro wrestlers to have ever wrestled Steve Urkel.
Likelihood of This Actually Happening: Zero. They’re pretty much totally retired.
Diamond Dallas Page
What’s not to like about DDP, his classic golden mullet, and his multiple championships? His body is admittedly pretty banged up from the years as a dominating heavyweight, but how cool would it be to see one more Diamond Cutter move from the top of the rope?
Likelihood of This Actually Happening: Like Trish Status, DDP’s turned into a huge yogi post-wrestling, even offering his own system for sale called DDP Yoga. Plus he’s appeared on Raw as recently as this past January, and will already be around for Wrestlemania weekend, inducting his buddy and detox project Jake the Snake into the WWE Hall of Fame. Come and heal everyone, DDP!
We just wanna see him wear one of these fancy robes. Plus, Ric Flair is basically, like, immortal or something—at age 65, he’s really too old to be slamming himself around still, yet he persists.
Likelihood of This Actually Happening: Fair, if even just to show up for a cameo. Flair hasn’t left wrestling over the past 40-ish years, and even though he spent some in TNA, he’s back within the WWE fold again. Woo!
Jake the Snake Roberts
Uh, forget that this man’s entire life is basically like a cautionary tale – in fact, let me try to personally forget that time a few years ago when he was spotted at a Florida indie show in a Salvation Army gym. In his golden era, remember that this is a guy who was a heel who could still draw louder cheers than that of his would-be opponent, Hulk Hogan. Plus, snakes are awesome. Today’s wrestling is completely devoid of reptiles.
Likelihood of This Actually Happening: Slim, but not totally impossible—Roberts has cleaned up his act in recent years with the detox help of buddy and fellow former wrestler Diamond Dallas Page. In January he made one quick cameo on an old school-themed episode of Raw.
Most importantly, he’ll already be part of the weekend’s Wrestlemania festivities when DDP inducts him into the WWE Hall of Fame. Hey, the organization recently brought Goldust back from the sad indie-circuit trenches, so ya never know!
The Ultimate Warrior
You know, if you remember him, that you might give literally anything, anything, to hear just one more absolutely insane Ultimate Warrior promo. He wouldn’t even have to wrestle. He could just come out and deliver a surreal speech like this classic in which he threatens his one-time nemesis, Hulk Hogan:
Likelihood of This Actually Happening: Ultimate Warrior has kissed and made up with the WWE organization in recent years, reappearing in the company’s video games and even being inducted into its Hall of Fame. Plus, the Hulkster’s gonna be at this Wrestlemania… So we can dream, right?
…Wait, what, too soon? :(
Arielle Castillo is Fusion's culture editor, reporting on arts, music, culture, and subcultures from the streets on up. She's also a connoisseur of weird Florida, weightlifting, and cats.