Drink More Milk Rand Paul

New details that have emerged in the case of this weekend’s stunning physical attack upon Senator Rand Paul confirm: You need more calcium Rand Paul.

Initial reports said that Paul suffered “minor” injuries in a dispute with a neighbor. But the latest information, including the arrest warrant obtained by Sam Stein, tells us that these are the facts: Rand Paul, 5’8, age 54, was tackled from behind by his neighbor, Rene Boucher, who is 5’8 and 166 pounds. The tackle broke five of Paul’s ribs.

Seems like a lot of ribs.

Weak bones? Need more resilience in ya ribs? Milk is a great source of calcium and vitamin D, both vital for bone health. You get old and stop drinking milk and next thing you know every time a medium sized neighbor tackles you all your ribs are snapping like the buttons on tearaway pants. Meanwhile if you had stayed on your milk game, you would have not only had brawny bones but muscles as well—thanks to the protein packed into every serving of milk. Try it in chocolate or strawberry flavors if necessary. The important thing is you keep downing glass after glass of that frosty creamy calcium treat. Don’t stop until you’re dead.

Drink that milk Rand Paul. This is not a game out here.