Evangelical Explains: We Evangelicals Are The Biggest Suckers in the United States

Our nation is riven with political and spiritual disagreements. But one evangelical Christian writer has taken to the time to reach out to the rest of the nation with a heartfelt message: Wowza, we evangelicals will fucking believe any damn lie!

David Brody, a correspondent for the Christian Broadcasting Network and co-author of a real book titled “The Faith of Donald Trump: A Spiritual Biography” (The book is just one blank page. Ha. Sorry.) (The book is just one page that says “MONEY.” Ha. It’s not, and I’m sorry), has made an admirable effort to use the New York Times opinion page to make us all understand the reasoning of evangelical Christians who throw their full political support behind Donald Trump, a man who does nothing but sin and loves only money and generally waves around a bible in the most transparently cynical way possible. If Brody’s op-ed is to believed, that evangelical reasoning is: “We are very, very dumb.”

Last August, President Trump sat behind the Resolute Desk in the Oval Office and looked me straight in the eyes. With a look of reflection and purposefulness, he discussed his upbringing and fondly recalled a vivid childhood memory from the 1950s: watching Billy Graham sermons on television with his father. “My father was a fan of Billy Graham,” the president said.

I do not wish to be “he of little faith,” but to me the scene being described here sounds like Donald Trump, an aggressively ignorant racist narcissist, tossing off the most anodyne of pleasantries. But to David Brody, there is deep meaning to be found…

Most of the world, and even most reporters, know only the public side of President Trump. In private, evangelical leaders have come to recognize a more compassionate side.

For example, Mr. Trump took a car ride with Mike Pence along with Billy Graham’s son Franklin and Tony Perkins, a leading figure on the Christian right, during the Louisiana floods of 2016. Impressed by what Franklin Graham’s Christian ministry had done for flood victims, Mr. Trump told him that he was writing it a six-figure check, which Mr. Graham told him to send to Mr. Perkins’s church. Both men were moved by his impulsive kindness, and a bond was formed.

Assuming that Donald Trump’s net worth is $3.1 billion as Forbes says it is, a $300,000 donation would be the equivalent of a $5 donation by someone whose net worth is $50,000. Also, Franklin Graham is a bad person.

Another story involves Mr. Trump and the televangelist James Robison praying together inside an S.U.V. on the airport tarmac in Panama City, Fla., during a campaign stop. When Mr. Trump exited the car, he gave Mr. Robison a hug, pulled him up against his chest firmly and said, “Man, I sure love you.” A small gesture, perhaps, but heartfelt, real and so unlike the caricature of the president most of us see. And practically every evangelical leader I interviewed has a similar story.

Again—not to display a negative attitude—what I just read, in the preceding paragraph, is the story of a professional schmoozer doing what he does: schmoozing. And yet this is being presented, in the op-ed here, as evidence that Donald Trump, a guy was just fucking a porn star not long before calling Mexicans “rapists,” is a model messenger for Christianity.

What am I missing here???

Evangelicals have found their man. It may seem mystifying to outsiders, but for someone like me, with a front-row seat to an inside view, it makes perfect sense. Maybe they’re taking their cue from Billy Graham, embracing presidents with moral failings rather than rejecting them.

Presidents who have moral failings must be embraced by Christians.

Anyone else with moral failings must be crushed completely, by the wrath of god, aided by Donald Trump, and his holy friends.