FemaleSpiderMan

This month Marvel Comics announced huge changes to some of their top-tier heroes. Thor will now be a woman (for the third time), and Captain America is now a black man (for the second time).

Hold that gasp. In their upcoming theatrical release Guardians of the Galaxy, Marvel will add a heroic space raccoon called Rocket and a sentient tree-being named Groot to their major theatrical ensemble.

Advertisement

So how can Marvel and major comic book publishers continue to challenge tired superhero conventions? We can only guess.

Filipino Captain America

Let's face it—it's not only about time for a black Captain America. It's too late. We're tired of talking about it; and with more than four percent of the U.S. foreign-born population hailing from the Philippines, I think we're ready for a Thrilla from Manila.

Female Spiderman

With a dearth of female superheroes in Marvel's primary lineup, we can expect the comics giant to announce Female Spiderman any day now. Her backstory? Just a regular lady, bit by an irregular arachnid.

Remember—FEMALE Spiderman—not spidergirl; not spiderwoman (who has already appeared in the comics on and off since 1977).

Always Eating Guy

Comic book superheroes live in a world of nonstop crime-fighting and few-and-far between feeding times. It's time a hero steps up, orders a thousand egg salad sandwiches, and seeks to consume like authentic Americans do: constantly and without interruption.

If you don't respect this guy's superpower, you should still respect him for wearing the tights.

Garbage Can Man

An international comics convention gets filthier than Pig-Pen faster than Flash; thus anthropogenic waste is the realest villain comics fans collectively will into existence.

Please don't tell Trash Can Man that humans appreciate a solid janitorial ethic. He's thinks what he does is super evil.

Hype Man

Finally, these new heroes are going to need some good press. In a disproportionately white, male, heteronormative super hero landscape, how can we get these new names in comics out into the world? This is a job for Hype Man, blessed with the ability to draw thousands of eager fans to his limited edition giveaways.

Stay tuned for more timely dispatches from San Diego Comic-Con 2014.

Andy is a graphics editor and cartoonist at Fusion.