Grammys 2014: Important Cultural Reminders From the Red Carpet

It was the night of a thousand velvet blazers!

At the GRAMMY Awards red carpet, menswear grabbed a chunk of the attention with dudes channeling their best ‘70s grandpa vibes. Hey, it’s at least one thing Robin Thicke and Macklemore (below) have in common… Besides all the other things about which you all have definitely got jokes.

But the GRAMMY carpet wasn’t just a reminder that it was once very, very acceptable for menswear to be fuzzy. The two-hour procession also yielded some more important cultural touch points for your break-room convo tomorrow. For instance:

Dressing for social media is the new dressing for the paparazzi.

Okay, you know Pharrell had Twitter, Instagram, and Vine in mind when he decided to channel Yogi Bear’s Ranger Smith. So what if he looks like he’s hiding tomorrow’s rations under there? We’re tweeting about it! Arby’s is tweeting about it! Gain laundry detergent is tweeting about it! #BrandSynergy! And, the true sign of a social media win back in 2012, the hat has naturally inspired its own Twitter account!

Slipknot is still a band, one that was once very culturally relevant.

However, that time was so distant in internet years – a decade IRL, so a century online – that blogs had to publish posts reminding everyone who that “creepy clown guy” on the carpet was. It was Shawn Crahan, the band’s co-founder. This was once the source of parental-handwringing! Hindsight is 20/20 lulz-worthy.

Jared Leto will forever be that insanely hot and talented guy who still shows up in cringe-worthy get-ups and says tool-like things.

He’s the guy you’d be both proud and embarrassed of sleeping with. Like, he’s the guy who showed up with red-silk lapels and made a comment out loud about “all the awards I’ve already gotten.”

“Stars Are Blind, Pt. 2” is nigh!

Wait – let’s rewind and remind you, that was Paris Hilton’s last big attempt at a big pop song, circa 2006. Then, when she showed up with Birdman – brrr! – she reminded us she’s still gonna fly in any weather, bitch. Paris’ debut album for Cash Money is coming soon! But you really can’t hate on how she can actually make a vaguely ice-skater-ish gown look big-money.

No-brow branding will always still trump highbrow fashion.

Ciara showed up looking flawless – and somehow, perfectly gold from hair to heels – in floor-length sequined Pucci. But even she of completely royal bearing had to remind us of her “partnership” with Degree deodorant, something something something about “inspiring women.” Eh, nah, it’s about selling deodorant – but you still looked amaze, boo!

Whimsy can actually grow up and look sophisticated!

Katy Perry’s tulle-skirted Valentino dress bedecked with musical notes was perfectly on target. (Note to self: You, too, can graduate from overgrown baby-woman cartoon streetwear looks – it just takes moving the clothing budget a few decimal points to the right!)

On the flip side, if you sell out arenas and win a million awards, you no longer have to aw-shucks reference your humble beginnings with your clothing.

That means you, Ryan Lewis. Insert tired thrift-store joke here, but jumbo-size houndstooth over an entire suit is a big no.

Kendrick got absolutely robbed, but at least he looked damn good doing so.

BRB, still choking on the fact that Kendrick lost to Macklemore in almost every rap category. The world is unjust. And even Kendrick, he of the brutal “Control” verse, can be reduced to smiley, red-carpet political neutrality, describing Macklemore as a “great artist.” WHAT EVEN HAPPENED TO RAP BEEF THO? Whateva, at least he looked great.

But you know how robbed he got? This was the only photo we could find of him from the event in Getty Images. And we had to crop out Pharrell and Jay Z.

Public displays of parent-kid love are usually cute but sometimes creepy.

Here’s a moment that was cute: when an always-delirious-seeming Ozzy Osbourne realized it was, in fact, his own daughter at the other end of the red carpet, and responded with effusive praise. Yay! By contrast, here’s another one that was creepy: when Jamie Foxx referred to his own daughter as his seed, to her faaaaaaace!

Oh also this, when Madonna showed up in a suit, frozen face, and gold fronts. Cultural anthropologists and sociologists, take it from here because I’m tired and my academic post-colonial theory is failing me.

Arielle Castillo is Fusion’s culture editor, reporting on arts, music, culture, and subcultures from the streets on up. She’s also a connoisseur of weird Florida, weightlifting, and cats.