Here's your drinking game for tonight's presidential debate

Block your crazy uncle on Facebook and break out those Doritos you like to stress-eat: The first debate between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton has finally arrived!

No sane American would sit through this thing with a BAC level of 0.0; in these apocalyptic times, you might as well drink as though you are about to be marched to the gates of Hell by a vengeful demon.

Okay! Do you have an ice-cold 30-pack of your favorite beer? Are you sitting with friends and family who are comfortable seeing you at your worst? Then let’s get started!

Take a sip if Donald Trump says the following words/phrases:

• Huge
• Bigly
• Big league
• Believe me
• Terrible
• Terrific
• Tremendous
• Wonderful
• Beautiful
• Folks
• Rigged
• Like a dog
• Dopey
• Liar
• Fraud
• Failing
• Crooked
• Many people are saying
• Radical Islamic Terrorism
• And Mexico will pay for it

Take two sips if Trump:

• Claims he was against the Iraq War from the start
• Claims he was against the Afghanistan War from the start
• Claims he would have prevented 9/11
• Claims he would have prevented a war that never actually happened
• Refers to America as “a third-world country”
• Brags about the size of his crowds
• Brags about the size of his buildings
• Brags about the size of literally anything else
• Points out that he beat 16 candidates in the primary
• Calls himself “unprecedented”
• Calls himself a “phenomenon”
• Brags that he has a small ego
• Answers a foreign policy question without using a proper noun
• Says he will hire “the best people”
• Says he will hire “very smart people”
• Says he will hire Chuck Norris
• Answers a question that is not about his businesses with “I built very successful businesses”
• Answers a question that is not about his buildings with “I have built great buildings”
• Claims he started out with “almost nothing”
• Claims he started out with only “a very small loan” from his father
• Claims he started from the bottom, now he’s here
• Says that “We have to be very strong”
• Says that “We need to be smart again”
• Says that “We never win anymore”
• Says that he loves his stupid voters

Finish your entire drink if Donald Trump:

• Says that he respects any of the following people he previously bashed:
• Ted Cruz
• Chris Christie
• Carly Fiorina
• Marco Rubio
• Ben Carson
• Citizens of Mexico
• References the endorsements of:
• “Many business leaders”
• “90 generals”
• The guy from Duck Dynasty
• Any professional athlete or sports coach
• Scott Baio
• Says something nice about Vladimir Putin
• Says something mean about Mark Cuban
• Says something nice about Saddam Hussein
• Says something mean about Elizabeth Warren
• Assures an entire race or ethnic group that he will be “very good” for them
• Unfavorably compares Detroit/Chicago/Baltimore to Afghanistan/a war zone
• Completely whiffs on a foreign leader’s name
• Completely whiffs on the name of a foreign city
• Completely whiffs on the name of his youngest daughter
• Levels a charge against Hillary Clinton that clearly applies to him (Examples: Does not tell the truth; charitable foundation is fraudulent; is sexist; has no record of public service)
• Says that he will be a good president for women because he has “hired many of them”
• Apologizes for literally anything

Finish all of your beer, then go to the store and get more, and continue drinking until you enter a coma that lasts until November 9, if Donald Trump:

• Is judged by TV pundits to have won the debate because he remained upright for 90 minutes, spoke in English sentences, refrained from hurling a sexist insult at his opponent, and “looked presidential.”