Hillary Clinton's lesser email crimes

On Tuesday, FBI Director James Comey announced the results of a months-long bureau investigation of former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.

The investigation, which involved looking into tens of thousands of Clinton’s emails,  found that Clinton’s use of a private email server to handle classified emails was “extremely careless,” but recommended that she should not be indicted.

While the FBI is not recommending an indictment for Clinton’s misuse of a private email server, it is recommending censure for several lesser misdemeanors they discovered while investigating her inbox. They include:

• Sec. Clinton often used the phrase “Sorry, just saw this!” about emails she had seen days earlier.
• Sec. Clinton’s email signature contained the tagline “Sent via Flying Monkeys.”
• Sec. Clinton often signed off her emails with the salutation “All Best,” which, I mean, who says that?
• Sec. Clinton made frequent use of Reply All.
• Making matters worse, when Sec. Clinton was included on an accidental Reply All chain, she would often respond to the entire list with a GIF of Jon Stewart eating popcorn, thereby extending the chain.
• In December 2009, Sec. Clinton used the phrases “touch base,” “ping,” and “send up the chain” in a single email.
• Sec. Clinton opened approximately 27,000 emails from LinkedIn notifying her that “someone was looking at your profile.”
• Sec. Clinton occasionally used Siri to dictate emails by voice, which resulted in her telling Angela Merkel that Germany was a “valued friend and Al Eye,” causing much confusion, and a worldwide manhunt for Al Eye.
• Sec. Clinton often sent emails to her underlings with a blank subject line and the message “See me, please.” — even if she was not planning on firing that employee.
• Sec. Clinton’s email signature used an 18-point Lucinda Sans font.
• Of the 200 emails that Hillary Clinton sent that included the phrase “See attached,” only 43 actually contained an attachment. Of the 157 followup emails that contained the phrase “Oops! This time with attachment!” only 113 of those included the intended attachment.
• Sec. Clinton’s email password was “12345ItsPasswordTime!!!”
• Sec. Clinton sent uncompressed JPEG attachments, once requiring friends to endure a 24-minute download time in order to see a photo of her new cardigan.
• When Sec. Clinton was confronted by acquaintances who were miffed they had not been invited to her birthday party, Sec. Clinton claimed that she “had definitely emailed them” the invite and “didn’t know why” it hadn’t gone through. “Maybe it hit my spam filter,” Sec. Clinton claimed. This was not true.
• Sec. Clinton’s email signature contained a link to her Ello profile.
• Sec. Clinton often blamed her phone’s autocorrect for spelling errors in emails that were typed from her laptop.
• Sec. Clinton used her State Department email address to sign up for a contest to win a limited edition System of a Down-branded Microsoft Zune.
• Sec. Clinton did not win the System of a Down Microsoft Zune contest.
• Sec. Clinton sent a JibJab political humor video to her family in April 2014. A JibJab video. In 2014.
• On February 23, 2011, Sec. Clinton bragged on Facebook that she had “achieved Inbox Zero ya’ll!” At that point, her inbox held 143 unread emails.
• Sec. Clinton’s email signature contained a link to her sizzle reel on YouTube.
• Sec. Clinton did not just use an AOL.com or Hotmail email address; she created the domain name AOLHotmail.com so that she could maintain both.
• Sec. Clinton did not read The Skimm, or Politico PlayBook, or the New York Times Morning Brief. The only morning newsletter she read was “BarstoolSports’ Wake N’ Bake w/ BarstoolBigJay”.
• Sec. Clinton always forwarded to at least 15 friends.