Photo: Getty

Like defective dogs who never properly adjust to Pavlovian conditioning, we in the media continue to be shocked, shocked by the not normal behavior of our American president. This is all leading up to something quite obvious.

The dick.

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We never tire of reminding everyone that Donald Trump made a direct reference to his dick size during a presidential debate. The fact that this is scarcely remembered now is a testament to the grandiosity of the president’s subsequent accomplishments. Today, Trump’s tweets about “Crazy Mika” and her bleeding facelift were the latest occasion for all of us to express our absolute shock that this man—The President of the United States—would behave in such a crude way. We thought he learned his lesson after the pussy-grabbing incident. How could he do this, again?

Listen: This is the kind of guy who would show his dick. In public. You think that being President of the United States will stop him from showing his dick? Please wake up and get real. If Donald Trump remains in office for a full four years, he will at minimum grab his dick through his pants and make a crude remark about it during a public event at least once. And, given the right circumstances—lack of sleep, crabbiness, irritation at insults from D-list celebrities, improper medication—he will unzip and show that dick to the world, to make a point. That’s the kind of guy that we’re dealing with here. That’s the kind of guy he is. We must accept this before it happens.

  • “We must protest this latest unpresidential act.” -The Democrats
  • “Questionable behavior.” -CNN
  • “Yet another break with tradition.” -MSNBC

Such will be the tepid condemnation that will flow like a mighty trickle when our President shows his dick, to prove that he has a dick, and it’s not tiny, like his hands, which aren’t tiny either, and by the way, this dick is plenty big, believe me, look. Prepare yourself.

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I put the current odds of Trump showing his dick by 2020 at 3-1, and falling.