The American President: Getty

Mister President, if I didn’t know better, I’d think that you were intimidated.

It was scarcely more than a year ago when United States President Donald Trump bragged about the size of his dick during a presidential debate. Remember that? That was considered shocking at the time. And now? You probably haven’t thought about it in months, because the bar for what is extraordinary in our national politics has been raised so high that no dick is tall enough to reach it.

Advertisement

Like all addicts, our tolerance for our drug of choice—shocking news—has built up to an astonishing degree. America now faces the constant danger of falling into a deep national depression due to any failure to feed our ever-escalating habit for being appalled by presidential behavior.

That brings us to Robert Mueller, the special counsel tasked with investigating the murky and potentially criminal ties between Russia and the Trump administration. Or perhaps we should call him by a more accurate title: This Guy Thinks He’s Better Than You.

Mister President? This clown over here, Mueller, thinks he can tell you what to do.

Advertisement

I guess I’m confused. I thought that Donald Trump was the boss. The boss of America. Did I get that mixed up? Because when I look at these newspapers and whatnot I could swear that the boss of America goes by the name of Robert Mueller. Seems like he’s the new Big Dog on the Yard. If Trump was the boss, it seems to me like he would be the one giving orders—but instead, from everything I’ve seen, it looks like Mueller is the one giving the orders. All Mueller has to do is say the word and Trump has to drop everything and do whatever he says. Right? Let me know if I’m wrong here. I don’t think I am.

Why, from what I see on CNN and MSNBC, no politician in the world would have the balls to fire this guy. Not even Mister “You’re Fired” himself! This Mueller is truly untouchable. He can go where he wants—ask what he wants—say what he wants—and nobody but nobody better cross him. His word is the gospel truth. What he says goes. Everybody in the government, right up to the very top, better bow down and grovel before him. Or else!

Mister President, I know there have been rumblings about you firing Robert Mueller, even as he investigates you. I can only assume this is more of that “fake news.” After all, it would take a rebel like we’ve never seen before to do something like that. It would take a man who makes bold moves and doesn’t waste time worrying about what all the jealous people in the press will say about it. It would take someone with a CEO’s attitude, a chess master’s mind, and the juevos (Mexican for nuts) of a big Army soldier with a real gun. It would take a guy who does things no matter how stupid they are, according to all the stupid lawyers.

I don’t know where we would find a man like that.

In Washington? I can’t imagine it. It’s a big old swamp up there. This is just how it is. Even if you’re Donald Trump, the King of New York with many highly rated television shows, you just have to shut up and accept that this FBI clown can say and do whatever the hell he feels like no matter what’s even true. The only other way would be fire this joker. And as we all know, the liberal media would have a fit if that were to happen.

But god damn—it would be a hell of a ride.