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If Obama would just say “Radical Islamic Terrorism,” the terrorists would run screaming from their abodes, hands covering their ears—so hateful is the word to their sensibilities.

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If Obama would just say "Radical Islamic Terrorism," our Wars would be won, our Budget would be balanced, and our nation would become immune to tornadoes and floods.

If Obama would just say “Radical Islamic Terrorism,” he would immediately jump from World 1 to World 4 in the original Nintendo version of Super Mario Bros.

If Obama would just say “Radical Islamic Terrorism,” he would be entitled to a free oil change at Jiffy Lube with the purchase of 4 tires.

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If Obama would just say “Radical Islamic Terrorism” and he was caller 95,  he would be entered to win tickets to see Aerosmith at The Forum.

If Obama would just say “Radical Islamic Terrorism,” the cave door would magically open, revealing untold riches.

If Obama would just say “Radical Islamic Terrorism,” Siri would respond with a witty rejoinder concerning the Microsoft Windows operating system.

If Obama would just say “Radical Islamic Terrorism” to an undercover cop, the cop would have to tell him he’s police. That’s the law.

If Obama would just say “Radical Islamic Terrorism,” we’d get some rain around here, finally.

If Obama would just say “Radical Islamic Terrorism,” he would receive 5% off his first purchase at Shoe Carnival.

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If Obama would just say “Radical Islamic Terrorism” three times in front of the mirror, he would have a dream that night in which he saw how he would die.

If Obama would just say “Radical Islamic Terrorism,” he would free the genie from millennia of captivity.

If Obama would just say “Radical Islamic Terrorism,” even if he didn’t mean it, and even if his fingers were crossed behind his back, we could get the hell out of here.

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If Obama would just say “Radical Islamic Terrorism,” Donald Trump could nod approvingly from his golf cart and move on to his next tedious, quasi-racist scandal.