Incredibly honest real estate listings for your first big city apartment

Do you want a BREATHTAKING VIEW of the apartment building next to yours? Enjoy the light-headed feeling you get when VISITING DENVER?

Then you’ll love living in this NINTH-FLOOR WALKUP!

Your heart will start pumping as soon as you see this place—mostly because you’ll have just trekked up NINE FLIGHTS of STEEP AND NARROW stairs in TOTAL DARKNESS!

Cancel your gym membership: Carrying four bags of groceries up these stairs will give you the QUADS AND GLUTES of an OLYMPIC WEIGHTLIFTER!

This is the perfect apartment for anyone who’s ever wanted to LIVE like a MOUNTAIN GOAT!

Cozy. Intimate. Snug: These are just some of the adjectives that don’t quite capture just how TINY this 50-SQUARE-FOOT STUDIO really is!

You’re looking at THE ENTIRE APARTMENT! Forget a king-sized bed: This rat-infested janitor’s closet BARELY FITS AN INFLATABLE MATTRESS!

It’s the perfect site for your FIRST NERVOUS BREAKDOWN!

No pets allowed, because that would be CRUEL TO THE ANIMAL!

Welcome to the apartment of your dreams: It’s got floor-to-ceiling windows, a rooftop pool, and A RENT THAT YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO AFFORD!

You couldn’t scrounge up the cash for this beauty even if you SAVED EVERY DOLLAR YOU MADE THIS YEAR AND THEN BET IT CORRECTLY ON THE SUPER BOWL!

Don’t even think about applying for this apartment unless you’re the SCION OF A GREEK SHIPPING MAGNATE!

Did someone say DARKNESS? This windowless apartment will truly let you get away from everything— INCLUDING THE SUNLIGHT!

“Shouldn’t this apartment have a fire escape?” you’ll wonder, as you inhale WHAT SMELLS LIKE HUMAN BLOOD!

Claustrophobia can BE YOUR LIFESTYLE!

Ponder your mortality in this COFFIN-LIKE RECEPTACLE where it ALWAYS FEELS LIKE MIDNIGHT!

Showings available day or night—WHO CARES?!

Think you’ve found a reasonable apartment in an acceptable location without a major flaw?

Think again! Your neighbor is AN ASPIRING DJ OR SOME OTHER BULLSHIT!

Say farewell to PEACE AND QUIET! Your untalented neighbor’s DREADFUL EDM TRACKS will pound through these PAPER-THIN WALLS like the DRUMBEAT OF YOUR INSANITY!

The finale of Breaking Bad? RUINED BY ERIK’S ATTEMPT AT A SKRILLEX JAM!

Lease begins on the DAY ERIK GETS A NEW SUBWOOFER!

Four bedrooms, a private backyard, a BBQ grill: This apartment would truly have it all if it weren’t TWO HOURS OUTSIDE THE CITY!

Why is everyone speaking German? The answers lie in this CHARMING EXURB THAT’S TECHNICALLY STILL OWNED BY THE DUTCH!

This is the ideal apartment for someone who NEVER WANTS TO SEE THEIR FRIENDS AGAIN!

Commute to work on a train line YOU DIDN’T EVEN KNOW EXISTED!

Open house this Saturday! BRING YOUR PASSPORT!

Tired of apartments that are too small, too dirty, too expensive? Why don’t you try LIVING WITH YOUR PARENTS!

With free utilities and laundry in building, living at home is a great option for renters whose HOPES HAVE BEEN CRUSHED BY AN INFLATED REAL ESTATE MARKET AND DECADES OF STAGNANT WAGES!

Your childhood bedroom will look inviting after you realize that ALL THE GOOD APARTMENTS ARE BEING USED AS INVESTMENT VEHICLES BY RUSSIAN CRIMELORDS!

The shame you feel at moving back home is nothing compared to the REALITY THAT YOU WILL NEVER BE SUCCESSFUL!

Seek comfort in your stuffed animals after you ACCEPT A JOB IN CONTENT MARKETING!