Something to Keep in Mind for the Class War: Mike Pence Might Be Terrified of Horses

Vice President Mike Pence has done a great many things to degrade the state of this country in his 60 years on earth: He’s spent his career waging a war against women’s reproductive rights and LGBTQ people, he wants to colonize Mars, and his devotion to President Trump knows no bounds. Now he’s set to tarnish a beloved Michigan tradition, and it’s all because of *checks notes* a potentially paralyzing fear of horses.

Let’s back up a bit. Pence is set to speak this weekend at the Mackinac Republican Leadership Conference, held every other year on Mackinac Island. The northern Michigan tourist destination is known for its historic military outpost, delicious fudge, fun times, majestic views—and a lack of motorized vehicles. Residents and visitors traverse the small island on foot, bikes, and via horseback or horse-drawn carriage. Not Mike Pence though! The VP reportedly plans to take a freakin’ Chevrolet Suburban SUV to his hotel.

As a Michigander who has spent many lovely summer days on Mackinac Island, this gets a full-throated HELL NO from me…but the reason behind it might just make the whole thing worth it.

You see, according to the Detroit Free Press, the unholy transportation method all stems from an incident last year. While visiting a Kentucky horse farm, Triple Crown winner (and new Splinter hero) American Pharaoh apparently bit the VP so hard he “almost collapsed” and leaving him with a bruise. A carrot for you, American Pharaoh!

While most rational people would move on from an incident like that with the healthy understanding that it probably wouldn’t ever happen again, that’s not how Mike Pence lives his life. This is a man fueled entirely by hatred and fear. And while I don’t support his defiance of Michigan tradition, I do like to think that during his time on the island, Pence will lie awake at night thinking about the many horses surrounding his quarters. And hundreds of miles away, I’ll be sound asleep knowing that when the time comes, the animals will be on our side.