'Survivor: Millennials vs. Gen X': Here's what's probably going to happen

Wednesday night’s Survivor finale brought news of next season’s theme: Millennials vs. Gen X. That may sound like the title of a solid SNL sketch, but it’s very real. Don’t believe me? Watch the trailer:

The season hasn’t even started airing yet, but the trash talk is already in full swing. “It’s hard work. It’s not how fast I can type it on Google and find the answer,” says Gen X-er Chris, who believes Millennials “don’t have a clue.” Counterpoint from Millennial Taylor: “I think the older generations, they’ve been brainwashed, with this ‘you have to have a career, you have to do A-B-C-D.’ I’m a free man. Like, I don’t like to be caged.”

“[Millennials vs. Gen X] will hook you quickly because you will identify with one group or the other. The differences between the two groups are quickly apparent, and the Millennials often left me challenging my own way of looking at the world,” host Jeff Probst told Entertainment Weekly. (Born in 1961, Probst himself is a Gen X-er, but at 16 years old, Survivor is a Millennial.)

We know what you’re thinking, and no, there’s no way this season will rely on tired stereotypes about Millennials—that they’re lazy, entitled, and tech-obsessed, to name a few. Surely not. Not even a little bit. Why would you even think that? Here, in a Fusion exclusive (“exclusive” in that we made all of this up entirely), is a sneak peek at the loglines of every episode from Survivor: Millennials vs. Gen X.

Episode 1

After trying and failing to find an Airbnb nearby—well, there is the one, but it doesn’t have WiFi—the Millennials arrive at their camp. Millennial Stephanie P. isn’t the first Survivor castaway to bring a bible as her luxury item, but she is the first to do so ironically. “I am here to make friends,” Tyler tells the camera.

Episode 2

After three days on the island, the Millennial tribe has failed to build a shelter, but they have built three apps.

Episode 3

The Millennial tribe finally manages to start a small fire when Seth’s e-cig explodes, and then a second, much larger fire when Kyle’s hoverboard explodes. Over at the Gen X camp, Jennifer makes the alarming discovery that flannel is highly flammable.

Episode 4

Millennial Madison is evacuated by medics due to severe dehydration after she refuses to drink the water over concerns that it’s not organic.

Episode 5

Feeling homesick, the Millennials have carved rudimentary models of iPhones out of rocks. An argument breaks out at camp when Stephanie H. is accused of swapping Justin’s 6S Plus with a 5.

Episode 6

The losers of this week’s Immunity Challenge won’t just be sent to Tribal Council, they’ll be forced to watch either a marathon of Catfish or Kurt Loder-hosted reruns of The Week in Rock, as determined by the winning team.

Episode 7

The two tribes merge, and in a shocking twist, three Gen Z castaways join them on the island. The new additions quickly inspire resentment among the remaining millennials by fashioning what they claim are Apple Watches out of twigs.

Episode 8

Three Millennials choose to sit out the Immunity Challenge because Mercury is in retrograde.

Episode 9

Gen X-er Jake claims a decisive victory at the Reward Challenge, which this week is to recite the entirety of Reality Bites from memory.

Episode 10

Millennial Zak finds a Hidden Immunity Idol buried under a log, but rather than play it to his advantage in the game, he packs it away to sell in his Etsy shop when he gets back home. Kitschy!

Episode 11

Although she told her fellow castaways she was heading out to forage for food, Millennial Caitlyn spends the day scrawling would-be tweets into the sand in the hopes that passing helicopters will fave them.

Episode 12

Millennial Justin declines to have his mom visit during the season’s Family Reward, instead using this opportunity to have the network fly in a Tinder date.

Episode 13

After looking into a producer-provided mirror for the first time in weeks, every woman from the Gen X tribe is surprised to discover that her untouched hair has spontaneously grown into a perfect Rachel.

Episode 14

The Final Tribal Council comes to an unprecedented standstill when the Millennial members of the Jury refuse to vote for a Sole Survivor. “We’re all winners,” Lindsey insists. “Can’t we all win?”

Molly Fitzpatrick is senior editor of Fusion’s Pop & Culture section. Her interests include movies about movies, TV shows about TV shows, and movies about TV shows, but not so much TV shows about movies.