The Full Stormy Daniels Interview About Her Affair With Trump Is Here and It's a Lot

Welcome to WHAT NOW, a morning round-up of the news/fresh horrors that await you today.

The long-awaited In Touch interview in which porn actress Stormy Daniels talks about her affair with Donald Trump—an affair which eventually led to a reported $130,000 hush money payment from Trump’s lawyer—is finally online, and it’s really a lot.

Here are some of the highlights of the 2011 interview—some of which were previously reported in the lead-up to the full transcript’s publication. In Touch claims that proof of Daniels’ affair with Trump was backed up by a polygraph test, along with polygraphs of her ex-husband and a good friend.

‘I can definitely describe his junk perfectly’

So anyway, the sex was nothing crazy. He wasn’t like, chain me to the bed or anything. It was one position. I can definitely describe his junk perfectly, if I ever have to. He definitely seemed smitten after that. He was like, “I wanna see you again, when can I see you again?”

The sex was ‘textbook generic’

It was textbook generic. It wasn’t like, “Oh my God, I love you.” He wasn’t like Fabio or anything. He wasn’t trying to have, like, porn sex.

Trump desperately hates sharks

The strangest thing about that night — this was the best thing ever. You could see the television from the little dining room table and he was watching Shark Week and he was watching a special about the U.S.S. something and it sank and it was like the worst shark attack in history. He is obsessed with sharks. Terrified of sharks. He was like, “I donate to all these charities and I would never donate to any charity that helps sharks. I hope all the sharks die.” He was like riveted. He was like obsessed. It’s so strange, I know.

Trump compared Daniels to his daughter Ivanka

He bragged about his daughter quite a bit though. He was very proud of her, which is nice. He told me once that I was someone to be reckoned with, beautiful and smart just like his daughter. She is smart and beautiful, so I guess that’s a compliment. But as far as family, that’s all he ever said. He definitely is very proud of her, as he should be.

Daniels says she wasn’t attracted to him

IT: Were you attracted to him?

Stormy: Would you be? I was more like fascinated. I was definitely stimulated. We had a really good banter. Good conversation for a couple hours. I could tell he was nice, intelligent in conversation.

Trump ‘100% promised’ he could get her on TV

And he goes, “You should be on.” And I was like, “Really? No, I don’t think so.” And he just kept thinking about it, I could see his little wheels turning. He goes, “No, it would be really, really good for you. People would think you’re just this idiot with blond hair and big boobs. You would be perfect for it because you’re such a smart businesswoman. You write and you direct and you produce and obviously you’re hot and you’re beautiful.” And I was like, “Well, it’s never going to happen. NBC is never going to let a porn star on.” And he was like, “I can make it happen.” And I was like, “You can’t. I dare you.” I was totally egging him on. And that was kind of like the thing, he was like, “No, we have to work on this for you.” And that was sort of what he tried to bait me with for an entire year. He was like, “We have to get together to talk about your appearance on.” But he was serious.

[…]

Stormy: He told me that he got a wild-card choice [on The Apprentice]. That he could push one person through at will.

IT: And he said it was going to be you?

Stormy: Absolutely. 100% he promised me.

WHAT ELSE?

The House passed a short-term spending bill late last night to keep the government open. The bill now moves to the Senate, where it is now expected that Democrats will block it because it does not contain protections for DACA recipients. That means a government shutdown at midnight tonight is beginning to look awfully likely.