On this 18th day of July in the year of our Lord, 2016 the Republican National Committee saw fit to invite Scott Baio of Joanie Loves Chachi fame, noted underwear model Antonio Sabato Jr., and Duck Dynasty star Willie Robertson to appear as "prime-time speakers" at the GOP's most politically significant gathering.
The theme of the first night of the RNC was "Make America Safe Again" — and, suffice to say, everyone who spoke managed to elicit some choice responses from the crowd, whether or not they stuck to that theme.
Oh, and Melania Trump plagiarized Michelle Obama.
Below, see just a few of the wildest moments from the evening.
The crowd cheered for 'Blue Lives Matter' and the acquittal of a Baltimore cop
Lest we get the impression that the GOP has a problem with black people, David Clarke Jr., a Milwaukee sheriff, did his part to diversify the lineup of speakers and opened his speech with a bold proclamation: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I would like to make something very clear: Blue Lives Matter!" The crowd cheered.
Then, Clarke celebrated the fact that another of the Baltimore police officers indicted in the death of Freddie Gray had been acquitted earlier on Monday. The crowd cheered this too.
Unsurprisingly, Clarke made no mention of the 1,000 people killed by police last year. Curious.
…Then Rudy Giuliani frightened the country with a premonition of what a Trump presidency would create
In a particularly chilling moment, former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani made a promise: "What I did for New York City, Donald Trump will do for America."
During his time in office, Giuliani was responsible for massive cuts to the city's budget for public schools, trying to force hundreds of mentally ill homeless people out of poorly-funded shelters and back onto the streets, and bragging that he could do more for the black community by ignoring black leaders.
He also screamed a lot. It was…passionate.
This caption really showed up on CNN…
Antonio Sabato Jr. looked very OK for a former model/soap opera star and admitted that Jesus had compelled him to attend.
Meanwhile, this happened on CNN.
…And this one showed up in the convention hall
"Lone Survivor" Marcus Luttrell brought the fear home
Luttrell, a former Navy Seal, managed to get the first #AllLivesMatter of the night out.
"In order for any life to matter, we all have to matter. Understand," Luttrell intoned. "Your war is here. You don't have to go searching for it. Your people are afraid who among you are going to step up and take the fight to the enemy? Because it's here!"
Scott Baio: Donald Trump isn't Jesus…but he's close
Scott Baio lightened the mood significantly with his very level-headed insinuation that we're living in the end times and Donald Trump, a man known for anti-Semitism, racism, sexism, and all-around bullying, might be the second coming of Jesus.
"All the things that we hold dear are being attacked every single day. We cannot go down this road anymore. We need to stop," Baio proclaimed. "We need Donald Trump to fix this. Is Donald Trump a messiah? No. He's just a man. A man who wants to give back to his country, America."
"Duck Dynasty" star Willie Robertson pretended Donald Trump is looking out for you
Roberton kicked things off with an tame explanation of how his multimillion dollar duck-hunting merchandise empire made him the sort of regular person that could have faith that Donald Trump's was legitimately invested in their well being.
"He may not always tell you what you want to hear you may not always agree and it may not always be politically correct," Robertson said. "But when your dad is Phil Robertson, you get used to that sort of thing."
The elder Robertson, you'll recall, was suspended from appearing on the family's reality TV show after comparing gay sex to bestiality in an interview with GQ.
The Don turned his entrance to the RNC into a scene from a WWE match
And then Melania Trump gave a moving speech…that she stole from Michelle Obama!
Melania Trump finally gave her first major political speech and, as luck would have it, she stole a lot of what she said from a speech Michelle Obama gave at the 2008 DNC. Sad!
Strap in, folks. The best is yet to come.