The NRA's New President Is Oliver Fucking North

The gun-and-death lovers at the National Rifle Association announced on Monday that retired Lt. Colonel and definite terrible person Oliver North would be replacing current NRA president Pete Brownell “within a few weeks.” Cool!

“This is the most exciting news for our members since Charlton Heston became president of our association,” NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre said in a press statement. “Oliver North is a legendary warrior for American freedom, a gifted communicator and skilled leader. In these times, I can think of no one better suited to serve as our President.”

North first rose to national prominence after he was arrested, indicted, and initially convicted of a number of crimes stemming from his role in the Iran-Contra affair, during which the United States illegally sold weapons to Iran and used the profits to fund Contra death squads in Nicaragua. (North’s convictions were later reversed.)

After retiring from the military, North ran unsuccessfully for Virginia’s U.S. Senate seat (his campaign was torpedoed by Nancy Reagan, who trashed North as having “lied to my husband and lied about my husband,” which, good excuse Nancy!), became a Fox News contributor, and appeared on an episode of The Jerry Springer Show.

“I am eager to hit the ground running as the new NRA President,” North said Monday in a statement.

The position of NRA president is largely ceremonial, with most of the organization’s actual power vested in LaPierre. Still, North is definitely well-suited to lead the NRA, even in a symbolic sense. Who better to make the case for near-universal access to military-grade weapons than a man whose entire career hinged on his willingness to sell arms to literally anyone?