20th Century Fox / Blue Sky Studios

Guys, what are you doing this weekend? Sunbathing on traintracks now that the weather is nice out? Or maybe just seeing a good old movie. But which one? And what does that say about you? Because, you know, we're defined by what we commercially consume in life. Don't worry, we're breaking it down for you here:

Rio2

If you’re seeing Rio 2 this weekend, you’re probably hanging around with a little, mortal human because, let’s face it, it’s not like you were like “oh wow Anne Hathaway sang those rap songs really well the other day! I really want to hear her talk in this new movie!” Maybe you’re a parent, or an aunt, or an uncle, or a big sibling, or a mentor, or an adopted relative, or a babysitter, or a godparent, but you’re probably going to see this to appease this not-old person in your life. And as soon as you get home, said young human is going to ask you to watch Frozen again.

Draft Day

Look, if you’re seeing Draft Day I feel the need to tell you that you will in fact get through to next fall without another football game. It’s ok. There’s no need to try and intravenously acquire the same satisfaction that NFL Red Zone gives you. Seriously, you’ll be ok. And it’s ok that you’re seeing this, but understand that it’s not going to be the real thing. It’s a movie about the Browns, and it’s hard to imagine that anything about the Browns is actually going to be that great, even if Ellen Burstyn is on your side. Sorry.

Oculus

If Oculus is your movie of choice this weekend, you may or may not be a high school teenager trying to take his crush on a date. Because getting a girl scared to death is a great way to get her to make out with you in a dark car after the movie. Maybe drive her to a quiet street with no lights. That will totally get her in the mood.

Hateship Loveship

Oh hello there, literary lady. Nice to see you reading this. Wasn’t being an English major at your private women’s college great? Fun times. It will be really fun to go see this movie in a theater where only a handful of other English majors in your city live. Yup, super fun. Also, mad props to Alice Munro for that Nobel Prize. Isn’t it great that you don’t have to worry about cats when you go see a movie, since they're cool and all?

Joe

Joe might be your pick if you’re desperately seeking fulfillment now that True Detective is over. And maybe you find yourself unable to sleep at night because you’re helplessly wondering who might have the next McConaissance. Which actor with a relatively struggling career will be the next indie darling? Could it be Nicolas Cage? Could it start with Joe? [ed. note: yes. 'Joe' is an amazing movie and you need to go see it this weekend.]