Marvel/X-Men Days of Future Past

Hey guys what are you doing this holiday weekend? Taking a private car out to the Hamptons to stay at a friend’s beach house, living on champagne and lobster all weekend? Eating barbeque food until you throw up in your friend’s pool? Or maybe you’re just going to go see a movie? But which movie, and what does that say about you? Fret not, we’re here to break down just what the movie you see this weekend says about you:

X-Men: Days of Future Past

X-Men: Days of Future Past might be your movie of choice this weekend if you’re, well, you know, an American. Just trying to sneak this movie in during your barbeques, beach trips and picnics during the unofficial start of summer that is Memorial Day. Isn’t Jennifer Lawrence so relatable? Who cares that she’s a multi-million-dollar, award-winning actress who actually shares little in common with you aside from the fact that she eats, drinks and goes to the bathroom. Nope, she’s seriously like so relatable. Can’t wait to see her this weekend!

Blended

If you’re seeing Blended, this weekend, you’re probably the kind of person who doesn’t know that Africa isn’t a country. PSA: it’s not. It’s actually many different countries. Too bad Blended doesn’t establish this in any way and Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore are “GOING TO AFRICA!” But no word on like, where in Africa they’re going other than a stereotypical safari to see the real Africa. Because, sure, we still produce this kind of entertainment in 2014. Oh, you might also be an Adam Sandler fan.

Cold in July

If Cold in July is your pick this weekend, you’re probably the kind of person who could actually put up with Dexter because of Michael C. Hall. You kind of bought into the fact that the plot was ridiculous and illogical, and the entire premise of the show was trapped because Dexter himself had to be somewhat redeemable, but hot damn did Michael C. Hall make that more or less bearable. And he’ll probably do that to this movie too. So, what the hell, why not see it this weekend?

Stand Clear of the Closing Doors

You’re probably seeing Stand Clear of the Closing Doors this weekend if you either live in or have lived in New York City. That’s it. That’s probably the only reason that you would see this movie. You’ve probably read Joan Didion’s “Goodbye to All That” multiple times, thinking about how much you love the city and wondering if it’s time for you to get out, if it’s gotten too old for you. Or maybe you’re wondering if it’s time to go back, re-embracing the dreams of your youth, tiny apartments and urine-ridden subways and all.

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