With two weeks until the premiere of JoJo Fletcher's season of The Bachelorette, the reality television gods have #blessed us with the names, biographies, and faces of the 25 contestants vying for her love. Props to the producers, because a lotta these boys are pretty cute, and several of them seem sufficiently crazy keep the season moving right along.
We read through their bios so that you wouldn't have to. Here are 12 eyebrow-raising insights into who, deep down, these men on the quest for the final rose really are.
1. The jobs are expectedly terrible
Brandon's "job" is "Hipster." Evan's job is "Erectile Dysfunction Expert," which—while a real and probably very lucrative career—lol.
James S. is a "Bachelor Superfan," but you would think a "Bachelor Superfan" would know better than to show up night one without a real career. Sloppy.
2. One man might actually think he is Matthew McConaughey
"Chad," the 28-year-old luxury real estate agent, answered two questions almost identically.
Does this man know that he is not Academy Award-winning actor Matthew McConaughey? Where does "Chad" think he will be in 10 years? Why is present Chad stuck in Dazed and Confused?
3. Three of these men have the same name
Don't know a contestant's name? Just guess James! All of these men are named James.
4. These men have the worst tattoos of all time
Chase has a "lion on [his] left ribs." Jonathan has a tattoo of his "grandma on [his] inner arm." One of the Jameses, I can't remember which one, actually knows his tattoos are bad, saying that he plans to get all of his "lasered off." Yet another James has an "American flag and eagle on [his] left arm/shoulder."
I cannot wait to see these tattoos at pool time.
5. Two men identify Her as one of their favorite movies
Listen, I don't mean to be picky here, Alex and Brandon, but you could pick any movie in the world as one of your "favorite movies," yet you chose Her, a very sad movie about a very sad man who is so lonely and lame that he falls in love with his computer assistant who at the very first chance she gets runs away from him. Did you understand the moral of this movie? Or were you just so seduced by Scarlett Johansson's voice that you couldn't focus? This is a show about love! This is not a movie you should admit to loving!
6. Actually, they just have generally terrible taste in movies
Here are some of the movies these men picked as their favorites, in no particular order:
- Home Alone
- Ninja Turtles
- Ninja Turtles III
- The Hangover
- Wedding Crashers
- The 40-Year-Old Virgin
- Step Brothers
- Dumb & Dumber
- The Departed
Did you know that these are men? Did you know? Can you tell from their very manly movie choices that these are macho male masculine men? Don't forget!!!!
7. One man's ex stole his chihuahua
I'm so sorry for you, Christian. You are 26, pretty cute, and your bio reads: "Ex took my Chihuahua. :(" She left you only with 2 cats! I hope this comes up in the first episode, because I am already weeping for you.
8. Are flowers food?
I'm not sure! And Robby is definitely not sure! When producers asked Robby about his favorite flower, he said, "Honeysuckle—delicious!"
Robby, my man, listen. You are about to be on a show where literally your only goal is to get a red rose every goddamn week. Say "rose" like the rest of your competition!
9. They love books written by dudes
All of these men had the option to reveal their favorite books. Most didn't, probably because they don't read. But all the contestants that did admit to knowing how to read selected books written by dudes—J.D. Salinger, for example. The only bae woke enough to pick a woman writer was Coley, who picked the Harry Potter series. Congrats, Coley.
10. Millennial men have big regrets
Five of the 25 contestants admitted to having "bleached tips" when they were younger! One, Vinny, said he did it to so he could look "like Timberlake—boy-band style."
11. This half-inch is unnecessary
We get it, Will. You're tall.
12. I just…
This man is Nick B. Nick B. likes to read. Can you guess what Nick B's favorite magazine is? It's not Sports Illustrated. It's not Field and Stream.
Nope, Nick B.'s favorite magazine is Ducks Unlimited. What a world.
The Bachelorette premieres on May 23 on ABC.
Kelsey McKinney is a culture staff writer for Fusion.