"There's a coast to coast scissor-sweep of tresses!" proclaims the May 1963 issue of 'Teen magazine, with more enthusiasm than we have ever felt about anything in our entire lives. Beauty editor Marie Fenton offers readers a selection of short, stylish cuts, inexplicably sorted by region of the United States. Some are adorable; some are awful. Which beach-ready look are you ready to bring back?
In the Southeast
If you've ever wondered why there's a hole in the ozone layer, consider the sheer volume of hairspray necessary to achieve this style.
A bare forehead is the devil's playground.
Cover Girl Cut
"It's no longer smart to tease your hair into balloony shapes or wear it long, stringy and sagging," says 'Teen. That said, it's still smart to twist your hair into poodles, flowers, and other balloon animal shapes.
On the West Coast
All the glamour of Oliver Twist with none of the gruel.
"A great way to look at party time."
A dominant theme of the West Coast styles is that your hair should look as though it's eating your head.
In the Midwest
The Jet Cut
This tapered cut, set on medium rollers, is perfect for a "new, small head look."
The Pretty Soft
Well, no, it's not very soft, but it is pretty soft.
You may think the Pretty Soft and the Wendy are identical, but that's because you're a moron. You can pick out a girl with a Wendy cut in a crowd by the pencil she is holding against her cheek, at all times.
In the Northeast
Take note: "Expert cutting required for this style."
'Teen describes this style as "frankly short, frolicking."
Show the Brow
Shoutout to this gal for pulling off a cable-knit turtleneck in the summer.
In the Southwest
"Easy to fix even after a pool dunking."
The Side Scoop
"Dreamy style is sure to turn all eyes your way, no matter where," because the altitude of this cut assures you'll be visible to any person within a two-mile radius.
Also known as the Wind Tunnel.
- Summer’s hottest beach looks are inside this 1963 issue of ‘Teen magazine
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Molly Fitzpatrick is senior editor of Fusion's Pop & Culture section. Her interests include movies about movies, TV shows about TV shows, and movies about TV shows, but not so much TV shows about movies.