With a gun to my head, I swear to god I’d be hard pressed to think of two bigger morons than right-wing smear merchants Jacob Wohl and Jack Burkman—men who would, if there was any justice in this cold, uncaring universe, spend the rest of their days stepping on rakes and peeing themselves in public.
On Thursday, Wohl and Berkman unloaded their clown car on the steps of an unassuming Arlington, VA, townhome for yet another shockingly inept attempt to smear a Democratic presidential candidate. This time their target was Elizabeth Warren, whom they painted as a sex-crazed BDSM fanatic who carried on a torrid affair with a former troop-turned-escort. What resulted was easily their most pathetic press conference to date, which is really saying something when you remember that one of the last times they held a press conference, Burkman’s fly was down the whole time.
Steadfastly plowing through a well-earned barrage of jeers and laughter, the pair described green dildos ordered on Amazon and trotted out their star witness, who reportedly laughed through his prepared statement and then removed his shirt to show what he claimed was a sex scar from his tryst with Warren this summer. (According to a post from an Instagram account reportedly belonging to the man, the scar was from a swing-related mishap in 2016.)
At one point toward the end of their kamikaze mission straight into the side of schmuck mountain, Wohl claimed, “We know that women are more hormonal than men” in an effort to smear Warren’s candidacy and buttress their claims. Donald Trump, on the other hand, is an “alpha male,” Wohl explained, adding that any affairs Trump may have had—Wohl made sure to note that he doubted Trump had ever cheated on his wives—would have been completely fine.
Suffice it to say, the small crowd gathered to watch Wohl and Burkman implode weren’t having it.
“I think ‘Elizabeth Warren fucks’ fucking slaps!” one heckler could be heard shouting during the press conference’s chaotic question and answer section. At another point, Wohl tried to get security to remove a heckler and the guard refused.
Look, these are trying times for all of us. Lord knows we could all use a good laugh. And in that respect, I suppose I could thank Wohl and Burkman for their time and effort—if only it weren’t so craven. Somehow, the two dumbest people in politics today managed to create the funniest film of the year. Bless their hearts.
Update, 4:32 p.m. ET: In an apparent reference to a sign the bozos had up at their event—which blared “ELIZABETH WARREN COUGAR?”—Warren obliquely responded while staying on message:
Update, 5:15 p.m. ET: Journalist Will Sommer, who was at the press conference, has refuted the swing-scar claim.