20 questions about 'GoodFellas' from a woman who is incapable of understanding it

In a column published Wednesday, New York Post film critic Kyle Smith finally said what we all knew, deep down, to be true: women are “not capable of understanding” Martin Scorsese’s beloved gangster film GoodFellas, which celebrates the 25th anniversary of its release this year.

Why? Well, the fairer sex are the “sensitivity police,” Smith explains. “They get offended, protest that someone’s not being fair, refuse to laugh at vicious put-downs.” Wouldn’t we be much happier watching Sex and City rather than this violent, profane sausagefest? Of course we would.

I, a female human, had been under the impression that GoodFellas was my favorite movie for years. Embarrassing, right? I’m sure you can imagine the tremendous relief I’m feeling now that Smith has cleared this up.

Since we’re all finally on the same page, allow me to share the 20 burning questions that every woman has about GoodFellas, the one movie we just can’t seem to wrap our tiny lady-brains around.

1. Why does everyone smoke in this movie? Smoking is bad for you.

2. Do they really need to curse so much?

3. Why did Henry stand Karen up for their date? That’s not very nice.

4. Lorraine Bracco looks so cute in that dress. Where do you think it’s from? Should I check Etsy?

5. Why isn’t Sandra Bullock in this movie? I love Sandra Bullock.

6. How come you never take me anywhere nice?

7. Do you think those are rhododendrons? I think those are rhododendrons. Or, actually, maybe azaleas?

8. Can we get order some pasta? I’d love some pasta. Or maybe a salad. Or I guess I could get pasta with a side salad?

9. Do you think Karen and Henry took their wedding pictures during their cocktail hour? Did she let him see her before the ceremony? Did Henry have a groom’s cake?

10. This is a romcom, right?

11. You know Nicholas Pileggi was married to Nora Ephron, right? Do you think they wrote each other, like, the most beautiful love letters?

12. Why does Joe Pesci’s character seem so angry all of the time?

13. What’s wrong with being “funny like a clown?” Clowns are funny. I love clowns.

14. Why does Henry cheat on Karen? That’s not very nice.

15. Are guns heavy?

16. When did Karen get a perm? Should I get a perm? Hold on, pause it for a minute. I’m calling my sister.

17. Why did Tommy shoot Spider? That’s not very nice.

18. What is that giant metal bird in the sky? By what witchcraft does it fly?

19. Do you believe — as Scorsese himself suggests, with his homage to The Great Train Robbery — that Hill will live out the rest of his life in fear that his criminal past will catch up with him? Or would you expect that the former gangster’s self-absorption would ultimately counteract any paranoid impulses?

20. Am I pretty?

Molly Fitzpatrick is senior editor of Fusion’s Pop & Culture section. Her interests include movies about movies, TV shows about TV shows, and movies about TV shows, but not so much TV shows about movies.