As far as we know, fictional Americans aren’t eligible to vote. But if they could—as liberal as real-life Hollywood might be—they wouldn’t all be #WithHer. Here are 25 of your favorite movie characters, past and present, who we believe would mark their ballots for Donald Trump. (Our selections are based on the highly scientific methodology of “yeah, that feels right.” Nate Silver would approve.)
If you think dystopian alternate future Biff–a mega-rich, pervy casino owner who's transformed sleepy Hill Valley into a seedy Vegas knockoff—seems familiar, that's not a coincidence. Screenwriter Bob Gale has said the character was based on Donald Trump.
The titular Big Lebowski—not to be confused with the Dude, who would never, ever vote for Trump, man—may be a millionaire, but he's too cheap to buy a guy a new rug.
Outside of creepily pushing breast enhancement products on teenage Deb, all this former high school quarterback wants is to make his football career great again.
"Greed is good," said the archetype that inspired a generation of business douches in Oliver Stone's drama about the world of high-stakes, frequently unethical finance—which came out the same year as Trump's The Art of the Deal, in 1987. (The real-life inspiration for Gekko, for what it's worth, endorsed Bernie Sanders.)
Fun fact: The Republican presidential nominee himself shot a cameo for the 2010 sequel, Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps, but his appearance didn't make the final cut.
It may have been Kevin who crossed paths with Donald in the Plaza in Home Alone 2, but it's his older brother who best embodies the Trump ethos. An immature bully, Buzz offers a seemingly heartfelt apology for humiliating Kevin at the school Christmas pageant before whispering, "Beat that, you little trout sniffer"—an insult so creative that Trump probably wishes he came up with it.
The richest man in Bedford Falls would find himself drawn to the candidacy of a fellow real estate magnate. His exploitative housing development, Potter's Field, took ruthless advantage of the city's poorest citizens. As Donald Trump justified rooting for the housing crisis, "That's called business."
Even if the terrifying Soviet boxer isn't eligible to vote in the U.S., he'd happily join Trump and Putin for a weekend of topless horseback riding in the country.
The tech millionaire is so committed to not treating women like people that he designed AI robots to have sex with instead.
The coked-out yuppie executive would like to remind you that he "[negotiates] million-dollar deals for breakfast." Well, his negotiations with Hans Gruber and his gang of terrorists are like watching nightmare foreign policy in action. "Hey, business is business," Ellis says. "You use a gun, I use a fountain pen. What's the difference?"
Considering the extent to which the evil, two-timing Lisa was "tearing him apart," it's hard to conceive of Johnny ever voting for a woman. Also, a hypothetical Trump presidency is what I would imagine a Tommy Wiseau-directed season of The West Wing would be like.
Belle's rude, self-centered, and wildly sexist suitor seems like exactly the kind of guy who would have an aneurysm if you told him his hands looked small.
Veruca Salt, Violet Beauregarde, Mike Teevee, and Augustus Gloop are spoiled, greedy, and entitled little monsters. I have no doubt that Donald would have bought every case of Wonka Bars in the continental United States in pursuit of a Golden Ticket for Ivanka.
Actually, everyone from the Cobra Kai dojo is voting for Trump.
The hyperviolent anarchist would see electing Trump as the endgame for Project Mayhem. The Narrator, meanwhile, would vote for Hillary.
This gang leader harbors a vicious hatred of immigrants, or as he calls them, "trespassers." As Trump once said, "Well, I think that when you get right down to it, we're a nation that speaks English. I think that, while we're in this nation, we should be speaking English." As Bill the Butcher once said, "You see this knife? I’m gonna teach you to speak English with this fucking knife!"
Petunia, Vernon, and Dudley—Harry Potter's aunt, uncle, and bully of a cousin, respectively—have no patience for magic, or for anyone who's different from them, really. That's why they mistreat the orphaned Harry, whose Muggle-born mother was Petunia's sister, and force him to live in the cupboard under the stairs. Vernon is also a devoted reader of the Daily Mail, so.
Fortunately for this alcoholic, down-on-his-luck poacher, whose full name is Robert E. Lee Ewell (yup), there's racism and sexism to make himself feel better—that's why he accuses an innocent black man of raping his daughter, who he himself beats. It is disturbingly easy to picture Bob Ewell in a "Trump That Bitch" T-shirt.
Elle Woods' aspiring politician ex-boyfriend greatly underestimates the capacity of a nasty woman to a) get into Harvard Law School and b) get shit done.
I'll leave it up to you to imagine what lengths Donald Trump would go to in order to secure himself a seat on a lifeboat.
The trickster god with a frost giant-sized chip on his shoulder would admire Trump's ability to shape-shift as if by magic from one political stance to another. Plus, a recent Marvel comic series envisioned just how Donald-esque a Loki presidential campaign might look.
This star wrestler with bullying tendencies and serious daddy issues ("I won't tolerate any losers in this family," his father would threaten him) would likely respond to Trump's flair for fascism.
There are few examples of on-screen misogyny more iconic than this status-obsessed investment banker and serial killer. Author Bret Easton Ellis told the New York Post that Bateman, his most infamous creation, would vote for Trump. "I think Trump would be a father figure for him," Ellis said. "He would see a kindred spirit in the Donald Trump of today: Somebody who calls out bullshit when he sees it."
In addition to abusing his wife, Stanley Kowalski rapes his sister-in-law and then has her committed to a mental institution. Seems like he and Trump might have similar views on consent.
Molly Fitzpatrick is senior editor of Fusion's Pop & Culture section. Her interests include movies about movies, TV shows about TV shows, and movies about TV shows, but not so much TV shows about movies.