As far as we know, fictional Americans aren’t eligible to vote. But if they could—as liberal as real-life Hollywood might be—they wouldn’t all be #WithHer. Here are 25 of your favorite television characters, past and present, who we believe would mark their ballots for Donald Trump. (Our selections are based on the highly scientific methodology of “yeah, that feels right.” Nate Silver would approve.)
The moist towelette mogul, divorced seven times, is racist, misogynist, and all-around rude, with little concern for how his comments affect the people around him. In fact, one of the few things Pierce doesn't have in common with Donald Trump is that he's voluntarily learning Spanish.
Tony Soprano's (mostly) loyal capo has an unpredictable temper, a history of dealing with his enemies through violence, and a flair for fat jokes about Ginny Sacrimoni. That the woman he believed to be his mother actually proves to be his aunt is probably the least of Paulie's problems with the opposite sex.
An exterminator by day and a passionate conspiracy theorist by night (well, a passionate conspiracy theorist all the time), Arlen's most paranoid resident would have a lot of thoughts about Hillary's emails. In my heart, I believe that Hank Hill would write in John Kasich.
From Home Improvement to Last Man Standing, Allen's traditional, conservative fictional avatars would enthusiastically grunt their way to their polling places.
Yeah, like the guy in the $4,000 suit is going to vote for Hillary! Come on. There's no better evidence that the egocentric, emotionally volatile eldest son of the Bluth family—who, need I remind you, operate an unsavory real estate empire—has a pretty flawed understanding of race in America than his black puppet, Franklin Delano Bluth.
See also: Matriarch Lucille "They Didn’t Sneak Into This Country to Be Your Friends" Bluth.
Boston's favorite relief pitcher turned bar owner is an unabashed chauvinist, albeit a largely beloved one. Creator Glen Charles once called Sam "a spokesman for a large group of people who thought [the women's movement] was a bunch of bull and look with disdain upon people who don't think it was.'' Besides, Hillary would remind him too much of Diane.
Speaking of pitchers! The disgraced former baseball star with a big ego and a big mouth eventually learned to love Mexico during his stint with the Charros, although he might still be in favor of Trump's wall, given his belief that America's neighbor to the south smells like "fucking buttholes and donkeys." (For the record, Danny McBride has said that his character wouldn't vote for Trump—because, as he told The Daily Beast, “he’d want to challenge Trump.")
We're pretty sure the hard-partying, lecherous Everlasting creator would sympathize with Trump's alleged habit of barging into beauty pageant dressing rooms.
Republican heavyweight Jack Donaghy might be the obvious choice here, but it's TGS' resident diva (slash high-functioning sociopath) with an all-consuming need for attention who strikes us as the sitcom's biggest would-be Trump supporter. Don't believe us? Just ask Tumblr.
Not only do Trump and TV's most iconic blue-collar conservative share disdain for many of the same groups of people—women, immigrants, African Americans—but hey, they're both from Queens! Rob Reiner, who played Bunker's son-in-law Mike, has said Archie would "absolutely, 100%" vote for Trump, because "they have the same kind of mentality."
Unbelievably rich megalomaniacs have to stick together. Moe might also appreciate Trump's immigration platform.
There's no doubt this incompetent, sexist spaceship captain would relate to Trump's braggadocio—they certainly sound alike.
I don't know that the billionaire radio owner would be fully on board with Trump's campaign, but he'd have to appreciate the similarities to his own ill-fated run for president—which he embarked on despite having never held elected office or performed any kind of public service. (As it turned out, Jimmy was only running to meet women.)
Okay, John Cleese's openly racist, anti-immigrant, misogynist hotel owner—ask him about his killer Hitler impression!—may not be a U.S. citizen, but he'd sure be thrilled about Brexit.
The successful businessman and late-in-life degenerate is nothing if not a grade-A loose cannon, so it's easy to see how he might be attracted to Trump's "wild card" vibes. I'm surprised we haven't seen a spin on the Paddy's Egg for sale as official Trump-Pence merchandise.
There is nothing the larger-than-life Boss Hogg wouldn't do in the name of money, including using his shady business dealings as a launchpad for a political career.
This one pains me, because Martin Crane is the sweetest curmudgeon in all of Seattle. But I think the retired cop, who was shot in the line of duty, would respond to Trump's "law and order" rhetoric. His bleeding-heart sons Frasier and Niles would do their best to talk him out of it—and they might have a chance, considering that unlike a certain Republican presidential nominee, Marty readily acknowledged the existence of "global warming" more than 20 years ago.
The wealthy restaurateur behind the Krusty Krab is unusually devoted to two things: money, and his daughter. (Then again, Mr. Krabs is a veteran, and there's no telling how he'd feel about Mr. Trump's colorful statements about those who've served in the military.)
Hear me out: Not only will the self-styled "Business Bitch" refuse to abide a single word of criticism, she's basically the Ivanka of the Greater Scranton area. Plus, there's nothing Kelly loves more than drama, and there's no greater potential drama for American democracy than a Trump presidency. Dwight Schrute, for what it's worth, would vote Gary Johnson.
Considering how this human trash bag treated Leslie Knope when they served on the Pawnee city council together, it's unlikely that he'd be able to stomach voting another powerful, effective, and ambitious woman into office. Honorable mention: Entitled heir and budding politician Bobby Newport, who'd probably forget to submit an absentee ballot from his yacht.
This Upper East Side socialite attempted to rape not one, but two women in the course of the Gossip Girl pilot alone, so we wouldn't expect him to oppose Trump out of an unyielding dedication to feminism.
The debt-saddled shoe salesman's contempt for fat women and feminism—not to mention his economic anxiety—would lead him right aboard the Trump train. I'd like to think Peg would phone bank for Hillary, if only to troll Al.
Come to think of it, just about every man on Mad Men would probably vote for Trump (with the possible exception of Ginsberg and a post-Hare Krishna Paul Kinsey), because it was the past, and the past was terrible.
Like Trump, this scheming oil baron has a lot of money and an impressive ability to hold a grudge. "Revenge is the single most satisfying feeling in the world," J.R. once said. “Somebody who has been very vicious to me, Rosie O’Donnell, I said very tough things to her and I think everybody would agree that she deserves it and nobody feels sorry for her," Donald once said.
I'm positive that Jerry and the gang would vote for Clinton, which means that Seinfeld's nemesis would have no choice but to go all in for Trump.
Molly Fitzpatrick is senior editor of Fusion's Pop & Culture section. Her interests include movies about movies, TV shows about TV shows, and movies about TV shows, but not so much TV shows about movies.