The Great Indoors, which premiered on CBS Thursday, follows intrepid adventure reporter Jack Gordon (Joel McHale) as he's reassigned by his publisher (Stephen Fry, who I hope is making so, so, so very much money to be here) to manage the publication's millennial-staffed website, or as Gordon puts it, the "digital daycare division." (Too close to home, fam.)
As fate would have it, it turns out that millennials are bad, lazy, and entitled—and boy, do they love technology. Who knew?
Should you encounter a person born between 1982 and 2004 in the wild, here's some vital information about their likes, passions, and goals, courtesy of The Great Indoors, that could very well save your life. At a bare minimum, try throwing your phone into the woods to distract them while you flee.
1. Clutching tiny emotional support chihuahuas!
2. Having job titles like "Online Content Curator," "Social influencer," and "Digital Conversation Specialist!"
3. Living inside a tent for 30 days while on a continuous webcam stream!
4. Wearing impractical mountain-climbing boots in an office setting!
6. Their phones!
7. Being “diverse!”
8. Being named Mason!
10. Expensive-looking neon signs that remind you to recycle!
12. Laptop stickers!
14. Demanding promotions after eight weeks at a job!
15. Polaroids of mysterious origin arrayed in an aesthetically pleasing but apparently meaningless fashion on their desks!
16. Their phones!!!
17. Bandana ascots!
18. PBR at a markup!
19. Huge participation trophies!
21. McLovin! [No disrespect to Christopher Mintz-Plasse, who is actually good and fine on this show.]
22. "Posting animal videos and calling it journalism!"
23. "Taking a word, removing some vowels, and thinking it's a great app!"
24. Crying in the office!
25. Generally being "delicate!"
26. Selfie sticks!
27. Unsolicited dickpics!
28. Having fun!
29. Recording things on their phones!
30. Tiny participation trophies!
31. Have we mentioned their phones?!?!?!
Molly Fitzpatrick is senior editor of Fusion's Pop & Culture section. Her interests include movies about movies, TV shows about TV shows, and movies about TV shows, but not so much TV shows about movies.