Today is August 4. August 4 is Barack Obama's birthday. Barack Obama is the president of the United States of America. Joe Biden is the vice president of the United States of America. Joe Biden and Barack Obama are great pals.
Got all that? Perfect! Now, read this tweet, posted by Joe Biden (again, the vice president of the United States) today (again, August 4, which, again, is the birthday of Barack Obama, who, again, is the president of the United States).
Let's get into it.
1. Tell me the truth: Did Joe Biden personally make this friendship bracelet?
2. If not, who? Who, fam? If you know, you have to tell me, because FOIA. I hereby FOIA you.
3. Is there an official White House crafting intern?
4. How do I, an adult who is not eligible to receive college credit and who is also utterly incapable of completing any task that requires a) artistic ability or b) fine motor skills, obtain such a position?
5. Does this friendship bracelet physically exist in the world or is it made-for-Twitter CGI?
6. Is this a false flag operation to distract us from the fact that Joe forgot to get Barack a real birthday present?
7. Has an Etsy seller already starting mass-producing replica Biden-Obama friendship bracelets?
8. If not, would anyone like to invest in a small business opportunity?
9. Is this one unreasonably long bracelet, or two normal-sized bracelets tied together in a work of unwearable conceptual art?
10. Is this actually a nontraditional friendship necklace?
11. If this is in fact a photo of two bracelets, according to the unspoken rules of friendship bracelet, who gets which one? Does Joe wear the one that says Joe and Barack wear the one that says Barack or do they switch?
12. How lucky were Joe and Barack to get assigned to the same cabin?
13. Would they ever have grown as close as they did if they didn't band together to prank that wealthy camp across the border and take down super-preppy head counselor Justin Trudeau, with his perfect hair and perfect smile and perfect canoeing skills?
14. Does every POTUS get the top bunk by default, or is this determined on an administration-by-administration basis?
15. Does the friendship bracelet's beautiful, vaguely tropical flower bead symbolize Barack's upbringing in Hawaii, or does it symbolize the fact that Joe thinks flowers are, in general, pretty?
16. Does the green thread symbolize the environment, and does the orange thread symbolize Donald J. Trump (the "J" stands for "Jglobal Warming Is a Hoax") strangling the hell out of the environment? Is it possible that I'm reading too much into this?
17. Were Joe and Barack on opposing color war teams, orange and green?
18. Will they really keep in touch when the summer's over, or will the distractions of starting middle school pull them apart?
19. When it's time to tell creepy stories around the campfire, is Barack more of a "THE KILLER'S HOOK WAS STILL HANGING FROM THE DOOR HANDLE" or a "THE TRUCKER WAS FLASHING HIS BRIGHTS BECAUSE A CRAZED MURDERER WAS HIDING IN THE BACKSEAT" kind of guy?
20. Does Joe like his marshmallows toasted till they're golden brown or burned to a crisp?
21. If Barack and Joe were each a summer camp movie, which summer camp movie would they be: Meatballs, Wet Hot American Summer, Moonrise Kingdom, Ernest Goes to Camp (obviously Biden is Ernest Goes to Camp, this is a trick question), or the part of Addams Family Values where Wednesday sets everything on fire?
22. Is the bracelet's pizza bead a Chicago-style deep-dish pizza bead? Or is it a Delaware-style pizza bead?
23. Is there Delaware-style pizza? If so, should I go to Delaware and eat some?
24. Does Barack have a Rainbow Loom that he originally pretended he was buying for Sasha but actually this whole time it's sat in a drawer in the Oval Office next to his neatly portioned nightly almond snacks?
25. If Joe Biden made a friendship bracelet for Paul Ryan, would it spell out M-A-L-A-R-K-E-Y?
26. What are the odds that Barack and Joe will one day get matching tattoos?
27. What are the odds that Barack and Joe already have matching tattoos?
28. What are the odds that Barack had to talk Joe out of having said matching tattoos be giant eagles taking flight across their faces?
29. What are the odds that, within the next 24 hours, Donald Trump will retweet a poorly Photoshopped parody of this bracelet in which the beads read H-U-G-E L-O-S-E-R-S?
30. What are the odds that said retweet will be of account with preeeeeetty explicit neo-Nazi vibes?
31. Can anyone speak to Mike Pence's crafting résumé?
32. Has Joe ever addressed Barack as "brother?" If so, did he sound more like Hulk Hogan or Buster Bluth when he said it?
33. Do you believe, as I do, that each president and vice president have invented a secret handshake?
34. For Thanksgiving, will Joe trace his hand to draw a turkey and then insist that Barack pardon that turkey?
35. For Christmas, will Joe build Barack a scale model of the White House out of popsicle sticks?
36. Will those popsicle sticks be stained red and blue from the dozens of Firecracker pops Joe devoured in order to collect them?
37. Off-topic, but Café Astrology's horoscope for the year ahead for people born on this day reads in part: "You are instinctively starting a new phase in your life. It’s time to give your life a makeover and to branch out into the untried." That's pretty spot-on, right, Barack???
Molly Fitzpatrick is senior editor of Fusion's Pop & Culture section. Her interests include movies about movies, TV shows about TV shows, and movies about TV shows, but not so much TV shows about movies.