50 things wrong with 'Fifty Shades of Grey'

Last night, Fusion’s culture team went to see Fifty Shades of Grey. It got real. The movie started funny-bad, evolved into boring-bad, but ultimately proved to be what the fuck, how was that even an ending-bad. Our abs are still sore from laughing, and from laughing harder when the lady sitting in front of us got incredibly angry with us for laughing.

Here are 50 very good reasons why you can skip a trip to the movie theater this Valentine’s Day — or maybe see The SpongeBob Movie instead?

1. There’s no facial hair on Jamie Dornan — he is so much hotter with a scruffy beard.
2. The movie’s opening shot of Christian’s closet is also the movie’s sexiest shot. It’s so organized it’s pornographic.
3. The panda Rorschach painting turned us off permanently. He has awful taste in art.
4. Every department in Ana’s college is in the same hallway.
5. Anastasia uses her GPA as a directional tool in addition to GPS?
6. Bitch found street parking in downtown Seattle right in front of his building. Twice.
7. That janky fake Google browser hurts our souls.
8. Why did she kiss her germy roommate’s head?
9. Jamie Dornan’s American accent sucks. (His real Irish accent, however, is super sexy.)
10. Ana’s cellphone is a flip phone from early aughts.
11. Why didn’t Christian buy her a cellphone instead of a car?
12. Why did Christian sit in the front seat with his driver?
13. Taylor, Grey’s driver, was the hottest person in the movie. Hey, Taylor. Taylor could get it.
14. Christian isn’t one of the most eligible billionaires. He’s likely one of the only eligible billionaires.
15. Why does Anastasia wear a meh T-shirt on her big night out?
16. Why does Ana’s cellphone have a dial tone sound?
17. Who faints when they’re drunk?
18. Who produces exactly one delicate heave of vomit when they’re drunk?
19. Christian driving in the far right lane in his sports car.
20. Jamie Dornan’s ass is visible, but not his D. (Meanwhile poor Dakota Johnson is naked for eons.)
21. How does Anastasia’s mom having four husbands make her a romantic?
22. When Jamie Dornan walked through the forest and it wasn’t The Fall.
23. That first thrust when Anastasia was losing her v-card was v rude.
24. Pan away from Ana’s virginity loss to the wallpaper, then to a mirrored/mysteriously reflective ceiling?
25. “Is your speech ready?” is not the right question to ask your roommate two minutes before her valedictorian speech. “Are you nervous?” would be better.
26. When Christian breaks into Anastasia’s apartment, holding wine.
27. RITA ORA
28. “Your body tells me something different” — is Christian quoting an R. Kelly song?
29. Why didn’t he abandon her in the Red Room of Pain?
30. Christian says he does “African charity work,” but Africa’s still not a fucking country.
31. The panty sniffing was super hilarious.
32. Get a damn keychain for the key to the Red Room of Pain.
33. Mom skips Anastasia’s college graduation over her fourth husband’s bogus golf injury. (How do you break a foot playing golf? It involves standing still and then getting into a tiny car.)
34. Talking to a sleeping body about your crackhead mom makes zero sense, Christian.
35. Why does Anastasia recommend coveralls for Christian’s mystery DIY project with duct tape? Will the duct tape splatter on his clothes?
36. Nobody over the age of 20 wears pigtails in public.
37. Playing the piano while people are trying to sleep in your damn house is hella rude.
38. Christian’s building, “Escala,” is just not that impressive.
39. Ana takes her senior-year finals in the same room as her roommate, even though they have different majors.
40. When Anastasia says “punish me,” we felt like we were being punished.
41. Ana doesn’t brush her teeth after vomiting the night before.
42. Christian insists Ana needs toast, but then he eats it.
43. Those weak-ass slaps shouldn’t cause you to break a sweat, Christian.
44. His belt is “as bad as it gets is?” There are swords and canes and shit in there.
45. That bad Rolling Stones dance in the kitchen.
46. The specific sexual acts section of the contract lists “fellatio” first and “vaginal fisting” second. That escalated quickly.
47. Why did Ana’s clothes suck so bad at her interview with Grey, but then get magically better?
48. She signs an NDA without reading it, but won’t sign the contract.
49. Christian was consistent the whole movie. Ana said he was “confusing,” despite the fact that he literally gave her a contract explaining exactly what he wanted from her.
50. You went to college but you don’t know what a butt plug is. It’s right in the name. It’s a plug that goes in your butt.

BONUS:

51. You have a 4.0 but you’re not the valedictorian?
52. Christian raw-dogging Ana when he takes her virginity. Come on, dude.
53. There’s a continuity error when Ana’s wrists magically untie themselves from the bedposts.
54. The photo of Ana and Christian in the newspaper looks like it was from The Ring.
55. Who edited this movie?! All the cuts from dark to light scenes burned our eyes.

Akilah Hughes is a comedian, YouTuber, and staff writer and producer for Fusion’s culture section. You can almost always find her waxing poetic about memes and using too many emojis.

Danielle Henderson is a lapsed academic, heavy metal karaoke machine, and culture editor at Fusion. She enjoys thinking about how race, gender, and sexuality shape our cultural narratives, but not in a boring way.

Dodai Stewart is the Editor In Chief of Fusion.net.

Marjon Carlos is a style and culture writer for Fusion who boasts a strong turtleneck game and opinions on the subjects of fashion, gender, race, pop culture, and men’s footwear.

Molly Fitzpatrick is senior editor of Fusion’s Pop & Culture section. Her interests include movies about movies, TV shows about TV shows, and movies about TV shows, but not so much TV shows about movies.