If the internet feels a little sexier all of a sudden, that isn't just your imagination—the first official trailer for Fifty Shades Darker dropped today. The sequel to 2015's Fifty Shades of Grey and the second film adaptation of E.L. James' best-selling series of erotic novels sees Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson) and Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan) forge ahead in their uncertain dominant/submissive relationship.
…at least, I think that's what it sees? This trailer is really confusing. Given the first movie's deeply misguided depiction of kink, BDSM, and what constitutes a healthy relationship, that's probably not super surprising. I have some questions.
1. In case you missed it, a 19-second teaser for the movie came out yesterday. When did we start releasing teasers for trailers?
2. When will we start releasing trailers for teasers for trailers?
3. For a movie that's coming out just in time for Valentine's Day, you'll note that this trailer features a lot of fireworks. Where is the patriotic Fourth of July-themed BDSM saga that this country deserves?
4. That is a nice box. Where can I get a box like this?
5. Would it be weird if I got that box and then put something innocuous in it for my dad's birthday? It's coming up.
6. Is Jamie Dornan gonna have this weak-ass five o'clock shadow for the whole movie?
7. Why couldn't our dude have committed to his full improbably-attractive-serial-killer beard from The Fall?
8. Are these sexy eye masks custom-made for your face or is this a one-size-fits-all situation?
9. What?
10. Is?
11. Happening?
12. Here?
13. Is this what would have happened if some kid on My Super Sweet 16 demanded an Eyes Wide Shut party?
14. Why is there a photo of a small child clutching a teddy bear at what I can only imagine is an orgy for the 1%?
15. Is this a combination orgy-charity benefit?
16. If such an orgy-charity benefit hasn't already served as a plot point on a Real Housewives episode, can I have a producer credit, Bravo?
17. Are they waltzing on top of an M.C. Escher painting?
18. What kind of inspirational wall art says "STOP MOVING?"
19. Could Christian really not afford to buy Ana a dishwasher?
20. Do Christian's clients not think this disembodied head is creepy?
21. What is Christian's job again, when he's not moonlighting as a Sex Millionaire?
22. What kind of gallery would host an exhibition of sassy over-the-shoulder yearbook portraits?
23. Uh, who do those UFC posters belong to?
24. Can you look me in the eye and tell me that Christian Grey would really prefer the UFC to the demented pageantry of the WWE?
25. And what are those trophies for?
26. What extracurriculars do you think Christian Grey did in high school? My mind is telling me varsity debate; my heart is telling me Junior Sex Millionaires of America.
27. I know you thought you distracted me with the shower sex, trailer, but what are these two bars of soap in the foreground?
28. Or are they chocolates? Bathroom chocolates?
29. Do all Sex Millionaires provide their overnight guests with bathroom chocolates?
30. Why is this shower so massive? This shower is the size of a studio apartment.
31. And okay, as for the shower sex, why not remove your clothes first? Surely everything this guy owns is dry clean only.
32. What is this place and why does it look like Bachelor producers set-decorated a public pool for a one-on-one date?
33. What percentage of this movie's budget went to flowers?
34. Did I mention there were a lot of fireworks in this trailer? This is a movie about fireworks, apparently.
35. What if an entire act of the movie is actually an infomercial for this very piece of exercise equipment?
36. Wouldn't it have been easier and more effective to just make this trailer a continuous two-minute shot of Jamie Dornan's back?
37. Did they crib this scene from Taylor Swift's vision board circa the Summer of Conor Kennedy in 2012?
38. How many transformations do Ana's bangs go through in this trailer?
39. Do these people really only sleep with one pillow each? I ask because I have to elevate my head with two or else I get congested.
40. Who?
41. Who?
42. This is Kim Basinger, but I thought for a second it was Candice Bergen. What do you think Candice Bergen is up to?
43. Is it too late to write a role into this movie for Candice Bergen?
44. Oh, did you forget that Fifty Shades is an extended Audi commercial?
45. Is Christian's helicopter the most likable character in the Fifty Shades series?
46. If there were a Fifty Shades Flight Simulator, would you play it?
47. Do you like this poster? It was at one point for sale on Etsy.
48. How much fruit does one woman need? Not this much fruit. No one needs this much fruit.
49. Where is Rita Ora, the undisputed MVP of Fifty Shades of Grey in her 20 seconds of screentime?
50. I love you, Miguel, but can we all agree never to allow any more covers of "Crazy in Love" ever again?
Fifty Shades Darker arrives in theaters on February 10, 2017.
Molly Fitzpatrick is senior editor of Fusion's Pop & Culture section. Her interests include movies about movies, TV shows about TV shows, and movies about TV shows, but not so much TV shows about movies.