61 contests between Hillary and Trump that would be more meaningful than tonight's debate

We all know how Wednesday’s debate will go: Hillary will call Trump a failure, and Trump will say something insane about the New Black Panther Party, and Hillary Clinton will urge us to visit her website for live fact-checking, and Trump will declare himself the winner despite losing by every metric that is not a poll of 617 readers of TVGuide.com.

Why are we still doing this?  We’ve seen this debate twice already, and the campaign has been going on for approximately 7,000 days. Couldn’t the two candidates switch it up a little?

Instead of a debate, I would suggest any of the following alternative contests, which would be far more entertaining and meaningful than yet another round of headache-inducing cross-talk.

1. A ping-pong match
2. A sand castle building contest
3. A round of frisbee golf
4. A spelling bee
5. A geography bee
6. A bee-swatting contest
7. A pie-eating contest
8. A Pi-reciting contest
9. An API coding contest
10. A Magnum P.I. pinball face-off
11. A Face/Off costume contest
12. A hot air balloon race
13. A drag race at Thunder Road
14. A skiing race down the Triple Black Diamond course on K-12 Mountain
15. A go-kart race
16. A Mario Kart race
17. A shopping cart showdown on Supermarket Sweep
18. A Battlebots match (Barron is NOT allowed to help)
19. The fancy horse-dancing thing that Mitt Romney’s wife did
20. A science fair
21. A Lilith Fair
22. A turkey-leg eating contest at the Renaissance Fair
23. A pun competition
24. An all-night game of Risk
25. One round of Laser Tag at Q-Zar
26. A spooky storytelling competition
27. A freestyle rap competition
28. A freestyle swimming race
29. A head-to-head face-off in Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 2
30. N64
31. No cheat codes
32. A slam dunk contest
33. A three-point shooting contest
34. A competition to see who can most quickly pump air into a basketball
35. The ballroom dancing thing they did in Silver Linings Playbook
36. A game of chess
37. A game of checkers
38. A game of Crossfire
39. A Game of Thrones trivia night
40. A game of musical chairs
41. A game of Red Light/Green Light
42. A walk-off
43. Bible trivia
44. The limbo
45. A game of cornhole
46. A crossword puzzle tournament
47. A Sudoku battle
48. An endurance dance marathon
49. A potato sack race
50. A competition to see who can make it the farthest in the Wind Tunnel level of Battletoads
51. A special reunion episode of Beat the Geeks
52. A competition to see who can fit the most Skittles in their mouth
53. A Mavis Beacon speed-typing face-off
54. A Halloween costume contest
55. A mock trial about whether the Hamburglar is guilty of Hamburgling
56. An episode of Chopped
57. An episode of Jeopardy!
58. An episode of Great British Baking Show
59. An episode of Guts
60. A Trumps vs. Clintons episode of Family Feud
61. A round of Simon Says
62. Thumbwrestling
63. The quiet game