69 things that happen to you when you watch Magic Mike XXL
LatestA lot of things happen to you when you watch Magic Mike XXL. Do not be alarmed. It is all perfectly normal. It’s a movie that will make you feel a lot of feelings. These are some of the things that happen to you.
(Warning: Here be mild spoilers.)
1. You get so distracted by on-screen hotness you drop popcorn down your shirt.
2. You rethink your entire sex life.
Has it been satisfying?
3. Your crush on Matt Bomer intensifies.
4. You get lost in Matt Bomer’s dreamy eyes.
5. No, like really lost.
6. You need to lie down and listen to Nine Inch Nails’ “Closer.”
7. You reconsider your taste in men.
Is there such a thing as TOO hot?
8. You are tempted to throw money at the screen.
9. You are charmed by Channing Tatum.
10. You suddenly find you have new and interesting feelings about welding.
11. You laugh.
Very loudly.
12. You hoot.
It sounds like “Hoooooooooooooooooohhhhhhh.”
13. You holler.
14. You fan yourself.
15. Jada Pinkett Smith reminds you that you are a queen, and you believe her.
16. You look at Michael Strahan in an entirely new way.
17. You long to meditate on a beach.
18. You yearn to hear Donald Glover sing your name.
While wearing this, obviously.
19. You have an “awww” moment over Kevin Nash.
Aww, Tarzan!
20. You fall head-over-heels in love with Joe Manganiello.
Dat swagger.
21. You imagine yourself marrying Joe Manganiello.
22. You vividly picture your honeymoon night with Joe Manganiello.
23. You announce your nuptials on Faebook.
24. You look at him like
25. You feel breathless.
26. You whisper “OH MY GOD” out loud in the theater
27. You start humming “finding it hard to believe… we’re in heaven” under your breath.
Yes, Matt Bomer sings it on the soundtrack. Just listen.28. You think, “I love these people but they are not great at voguing.”
29. You wish you could watch Channing Tatum and Jada Pinkett Smith make out some more.
Their chemistry is flames *.
(*Not a scientific term.)
30. You wish you could watch Jada Pinkett Smith and Elizabeth Banks make out.
Um.
31. You wish you could watch Matt Bomer and Donald Glover make out.
UMMMMM.
32. When there’s dialogue, you think, “please stop talking and go back to dancing.”
Please?
33. You wonder about Andie MacDowell’s Southern accent.
She was born in South Carolina!
34. You question, is this movie feminist?
According to Roxane Gay, author of Bad Feminist, it is! Her recap is here.
35. You think about trying some new, unique yogurt flavors.
Olive oil with freeze-dried basil, maybe.
36. You ponder a career as a bosslady pleasure merchant.
Rome makes it seem like a solid business plan.
37. You wonder, is there a male stripper convention?
The answer is maybe?
38. You ask yourself, was that the loudest zipper ever created?
The answer is yes.
39. You decide that Joe Manganiello is not a human man but a god descended from Mount Olympus.
Which is cool.
40. You tell your friends that the guys from La Bare — the male stripper documentary Joe Manganiello directed — make a cameo appearance in one scene.
You did spot them, right? You did recognize them from your husband’s documentary?
41. You need to know everything about Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss.
The sexy man who plays Malik was a semifinalist on MTV’s The Wade Robson Project in 2003, and a runner-up on Star Search in 2003. He was on So You Think You Can Dance season 3 and season 4, and returned for the All-Stars competition in season 7. According to People, he’s a huge comic book nerd. Here’s one of his SYTYCD routines (with Ellen Degeneres!):
42. You ask, wait, did Stephen Soderbergh direct this?
Nope. While he directed the first Magic Mike, he was only the cinematographer and editor on XXL.
43. You decide to buy the issue of Vanity Fair with Channing Tatum on the cover.
44. You wonder why they didn’t call it Magic Mike Magnum™.
The condom brand tie-in would have been genius.
45. You notice there are women of all colors, shapes, and sizes in this movie — enjoying themselves.
Probably what the audience in the theater looks like! Smart.
46. You realize you need this audio file of Childish Gambino singing Bruno Mars’ “Marry You.”
Feel free to put it on repeat.
47. You realize you also need a file of Matt Bomer singing D’Angelo.
For real though. How does it feel?
48. You think to yourself, “Maybe I should just go ahead and get the whole soundtrack.”
Do it. ASAP.
49. You have pangs of jealousy.
Yes, those women got to touch Channing, Joe, Matt and the rest.
50. You sigh.
51. You gasp.
52. Your heart pounds.
53. You bite your lip.
54. You are mesmerized and hypnotized.
55. You want it to last forever.
56. You say out loud, “I want to live inside this movie.”
57. You are afraid to leave your seat to go to the bathroom.
HOLD IT. Or go VERY QUICKLY when they’re driving the Rolls into Myrtle Beach — that way you won’t miss any dancing or shirtlessness.
58. You ask yourself, “When was the last time I was this giddy in a movie theater?”
NEVER.
59. You try to decide if Tito’s hair looks better curly or in cornrows.
~coughcornrowscough~
60. You think about whether or not you miss Matthew McConaughey as Dallas.
But then you remember you have Joe and that is alright alright alright.
61. You feel a weird swell of patriotism.
Spanish moss! America is super pretty and full of super pretty people! Road trip!
*cut to fireworks reflecting in pupils*
62. You think about buying chocolate sauce. For your thighs.
Ahem.
63. You spend about two milliseconds admiring Amber Heard’s messy pastel-streaked hair.
64. You wonder how long you’d be able to keep a straight face if you were playing the unsmiling gas station cashier.
.1 second? Maybe?
65. You wonder: Who picks up all those dollar bills?
66. SPOILER ALERT: YOU CAN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT SEX.
67. You make up your mind to see the movie again — while you’re still watching it.
68. You stare at Channing Tatum’s under-the-bicep tattoo.
He told People it’s an I and an H: “It stands for Iron Horse, my family’s ranch in Alabama.”
69. And you think about the number 69…
Because reasons.