Photo: Getty

What you’re about to read is 100 percent true.

Lt. Col. Paul Goossen, the head of the 69th (NICE) Bomb Squadron, was booted from his post on Tuesday. At the time, the Air Force would only say in a statement the move was “due to a loss of trust and confidence from his failure to maintain a professional workplace environment.”

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But on Thursday, Military.com got the goods: Reporter Oriana Pawlyk published a piece in which sources told her Goossen was fired not for some random act of assholery but for mapping out routes in the sky that resembled a dick (and presumably a set of balls), screenshotting the resulting map, and compiling them in a montage.

Again: The leader of the 69th. Drew sky-penises.

The alleged dick-drawing came between September 2017 and April 2018 when the 69th was deployed in Qatar, a source told Military.com. The sky schlongs were reportedly crafted by multiple members of the unit, with the images played up for the squad at the end of their deployment. Later, a snitch turned a package(s) over to officials, which led to the investigation. Unfortunately, no visual evidence has been released yet, which will likely remain the case until the full investigative report is released, so this story will have to remain No. 2 on the Military Sky Dick list to the Navy pilots who carved a massive hog in Washington’s skies last December.

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Goossen has not commented on his dismissal. He was among those that had the chance to chat with President Donald Trump last Christmas, during which the president commended his squad on their work fighting ISIS—dicks notwithstanding, I refuse to believe Trump rang this specific squadron for any other reason than the fact that the number 69 was involved.

God, I love this country.