If you haven't heard about Robin Thicke's new album, I'll break it down for you: It's called "Paula" (after his wife who is trying to divorce him) and the 14 songs on it are titled things like "Love Can Grow Back," "Too Little Too Late," and "Forever Love." "Paula" is either a semi-genius marketing plan that Ms. Patton is probably in on, or a sad attempt on Thicke's part to win back his wife by calling her out to all his fans.
An article on Complex even listed potential words to describe his efforts in making an entire album dedicated to winning back his wife of nine years. Some of those words are "narcissist" and "bad listener."
Yesterday Thicke released the video for "Get Her Back," which features the crooner in black and white (to show he's serious), with an emphasis on his piercing baby blues and arched eyebrows (to show he's sincere), shirtless (to show he's vulnerable), and being caressed by a hot model who looks like his wife (……). But let's stick to the vulnerable thing, because at the end he wipes away a tear so you know it's real.
The video also has various texts pop up on screen that say things like:
-You drink too much.
-You embarrassed me.
-I hate myself.
-You ruined everything.
-I wrote a whole album about you.
Great tactic Thicke. Remind your lady of the all the terrible things you made her feel in a video that has more than 31 million views.
To help Robin out a bit, I've gone through the trouble of collecting seven pretty different songs that follow the same theme as "Get Her Back," with one critical exception: They're good. I don't even know what these singers did to wrong their lovers, but I'd take them back if this were written for me. Take note Robin.
Take That, "Want You Back"
Notice they are all fully clothed (in fur even).
Yeah Yeah Yeahs, "Maps"
Nobody even knows what Karen O is singing about half the song, but the chorus line "They don't love you like I love you" is enough to make you cry.
Al Green, "Tired Of Being Alone"
Al's honest about making the song all about how HE feels, but he doesn't come off as narcissistic because, well, he's f*cking Al Green.
Rihanna and Mikky Ekko, "Stay"
If Rihanna has out-sincered you you've really fallen off. Just sayin'.
Jackson Five, "Who's Loving You"
11-year-old Michael in a fuchsia pimp hat and purple vest feels more pain in his cover of this song than you feel in your shirtless dramatized tear wipe.
Player, "Baby Come Back"
These mullets would win Paula back. Why? Because these mullets don't need a fancy video to remind their ladies that they're all talented musicians. (Hint: You don't either).
Otis Redding, "Try A Little Tenderness"
Bonus points if you sing it to her while doing the Duckie dance from "Pretty In Pink."
Some more words for Robin:
Instead of pushing out a video where your wife's lookalike is rubbing your bare chest and lying on a bed naked (reminder: the split is allegedly because of your infidelity allegations) you're better off re-releasing your 2006 hit "Lost Without U" — for starters, your wife Paula Patton is in the video, and re-launching it might remind her of the love you two once had and therefore have her reconsider her decision based on something real that once was. Duh. Done. Genius. Doesn't take a marketing major to find that one.
Romina Puga is a pop culture reporter and producer for Fusion. You can find her on "Fusion Now," Fusion's daily TV updates, going over new movies, music, apps, and why D'Angelo is still sexy.