America's long national puberty is nearly over: the Pretty Little Liars summer finale will air tonight at 8 p.m. on ABC Family.
The young adult-geared thriller takes place in idyllic Rosewood, Pennsylvania, a town in which the primary industries are creepy Victorian dolls and elaborate Halloween parties — and where, by law, at least 50% of the citizenry must have a name that ends in the letter A (including Aria, Hanna, Ezra, Mona, Ella, Maya, Shana, Jenna, Veronica, Melissa, and Jessica, to name a few).
Through six seasons to date, PLL has followed four teen BFFs as they've been tormented by a shadowy figure known only as "A." The plot is more convoluted than a Pynchon novel, with an added layer of confusion in that the main characters uniformly resemble sentient Bratz dolls.
Tonight, the show is expected to reveal A's identity in what will no doubt be one hell of an hour of television. We have a few predictions.
1. A middle-aged Hanna explains to her children how she finally tracked down A thanks to his trademark yellow umbrella, but that he tragically died soon after they were born. In the episode's last moments, she asks out the man the kids know as Uncle Caleb.
2. After he's revealed to be A, Ezra fakes his own death and, sporting a heavy beard, lives out the rest of his lonely days in a remote logging camp. Fortunately, there are no teenage girls within a 10-mile radius.
3. Emily decides to drive cross-country to pursue a new life, reapplying to Stanford and reuniting with Paige, but ends up meditating on a California cliff and comes up with an amazing new Coke ad instead.
4. Tippi the Parrot sings a mysterious sequence of numbers (4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42) and the girls spend the rest of the episode trying to keep the Smoke Monster from escaping nearby Ravenswood.
5. In a flash-forward, we learn that Spencer is twice elected governor of Indiana and may even become president of the United States.
6. The girls are enjoying one last meal at the Apple Rose Grille when A emerges from the bathroom wearing a red Members Only jacket, but the show cuts to black before we can see her — or his — face.
7. A permanent resident of Ward A in Radley Sanitarium, Aria's brother Mike gazes absently into a snowglobe with a miniature model of Rosewood High School inside.
Molly Fitzpatrick is senior editor of Fusion's Pop & Culture section. Her interests include movies about movies, TV shows about TV shows, and movies about TV shows, but not so much TV shows about movies.