7 reasons the new TMNT movie will depress you

Unless you’ve caught a sudden case of ebola, you’re probably aware that the new “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” movie hits theaters nationwide tonight. Studios are fast running out of original source material with which to load up the ever expanding troth of comic book movies. So they’ve now turned to remaking old franchises—and what better demographic to exploit than nostalgia-prone millennials.

For those who grew up on the Saturday morning cartoons, TIVO-ed the live-action movies, or choked on Donatello’s bo staff, here’s why this new reboot will fail to live up to your hazy childhood memories.

The new turtles are not as cute as the cartoons.

When TMNT creators Kevin Eastman and Peter Laid first conceived of the turtles story, the concept was a dark, satirical comic book. That tone drasticaly transformed in its TV and early film incarnations.

This new movie promises to go back to the roots of the original comic strip. But honestly, the last thing we need or want is a dark reboot of the Ninja Turtles. They’re crime-fighting, anthropomorphized turtles. Why do all comic book movies think they’re the Dark Knight?

It’s full of Megan Fox’s weird thumbs.

Though this isn’t technically a reason not to see this movie, can we all agree that Megan Fox has some wonky thumbs? I mean, she’s a gorgeous sexual viper, but she also has one of the ugliest thumbs in America. How could she ever capture April’s ethereal beauty?

This version of the Turtles can’t be merchandised as well.

Part of any Millennial’s connection to the Turtles is all the merchandise they offered. Say what you will about the Turtles’ work ethic, but they had some of the best marketers and licensees in the business.

This is just another sign of the reptilian shape-shifter takeover.

If you spend a certain amount of time on the internet you’re bound to come across “reptilian shapeshifter” propaganda. Basically, a bunch of paranoid, sexless, internet freaks posit that certain high-level members of the media and political leadership are actually alien reptiles in disguise. To prove their obviously airtight argument, they point to numerous shots of so called-reptilian shapeshifters disguised as public figures. A turtle-centric movie could only add fuel to their fire.

The promotional campaign is bloated and horrendous.

The joint Nickelodeon and Paramount venture spared no expense for an in-your-face marketing campaign the would repel even the greediest among us. Billboards and TV commercials have been pervasive, and even offensive. In Australia, a poster of the turtles jumping out of an exploding building was yanked due to poor taste—the release date there is September 11.

The joke’s not even funny any more.

Like we mentioned, the original comic was supposed to be satire, a spoof of other over-the-top comic book superhero characters. When your biggest competition is called “Guardians of the Galaxy” and features a talking racoon, the joke is really over.

In conclusion … I’ll only come around if they actually show the Turtles ripping a bong.