The building manager thought it would be a good idea for me, The Guy Who Controls the Thermostat in Your Office Building, to introduce myself.
I’ve already met some of you—you all sure love your Snuggies!—but I wanted to assure the rest of you that you are in good hands: I am 100% dedicated to ensuring that your office this summer is consistently fucking freezing.
I have plenty of relevant experience. Before I was hired at your office, I was in charge of temperature maintenance at a meat locker. Prior to that, I managed the cryogenics laboratory where Walt Disney’s head is frozen.
I’ve manned the thermo (that’s industry slang for “thermostat”) at an ice skating rink, a Ben & Jerry’s, a morgue, a popsicle storage facility, and the polar bear exhibit at the San Diego Zoo.
Now, I’m ready to apply the skills I learned at those jobs to your workplace!
I am committed to transforming your white-collar office into an arctic wasteland where only Emperor penguins could thrive. Trust me: As long as I'm in control of the thermostat, your workplace will remain a frigid ice cave with the same basic living conditions as the surface of Neptune.
Outside of the office, I’m a fun-loving guy with your usual boring hobbies: igloo campouts; ice tennis; retracing the Antarctic journeys of Ernest Shackleton via canoe.
But when I come to work, I have only one thing on my mind: blasting ungodly amounts of sub-zero frost onto your shivering bodies.
Why so cold? Well, frigid surroundings have animated many of the world's most productive workplaces—for example, Soviet labor camps, and Queen Elsa's ice castle in Arendelle. Do you think the sled dogs in the Iditarod would mush so hard if it was 75 and sunny? I sure don't!
Now, I’ve already heard a few scattered complaints: “I shouldn’t have to wear thermal underwear to the office in June.” "How am I supposed to type if I can't feel my fingers?” "Our healthcare doesn't cover frostbite."
But you have to trust me: as a dual major in Office Maintenance & Industrial Refrigeration at Northern Siberia University, I think I know what I'm doing.
So please: Don’t be a stranger! Throw on your Work Parka and come say hello! Maintaining Icelandic temperatures in an office building can be a lonely task, and the journey to my magnificent underground frost cavern is sure to ease your creeping hypothermia.
In closing, I am very much looking forward to working with those of you who don’t freeze to death at your cubicles like Jack Nicholson at the end of The Shining. Hope to see you around the frozen block of ice where the water cooler used to be!
The Guy Who Controls the Thermostat in Your Office Building