Hello, Braves fans! We’re looking forward to another great season of baseball, both on the diamond and at the stadium!
Several news outlets have questioned who would possibly order a food item that explicitly threatens punishment for eating it. Others have wondered whether a "sausage sundae" is an entree, a dessert, or an exciting new substitute for ipecac.
Actual food items available for purchase at an Atlanta Braves game.
But before you think about it for too long, let’s take a look at what other ballpark treats we’ve got planned for the upcoming season. Buy me some peanuts and cracker jack? Only if they're a butter-poached topping on one of these bad boys:
THE PIZZA REUBEN: Two extra-large pepperoni pizzas are the bread on this Reuben sandwich, which has been stuffed with six pounds of grease-fried pastrami, sugar-crusted corned beef, and a dozen ropes of Honey BBQ Slim Jim. It’s all served with a side of Mountain Dew sauerkraut, Salami croutons, and a football helmet filled with Bleu Cheese mustard. Make it a combo (a popcorn tub filled with curdled butter and a carton of Marlboros) for $36.
THE SLOPPY JOE DONUT QUESADILLA: Looking for some South of the Border flavor, but also a donut? In this gluttonous, possibly criminal take on the quesadilla, the flour tortilla has been replaced by a pair of gorgonzola-soaked Krispy Kreme donuts, sliced thin and then dredged in the sugar from a package of Fun Dip; the special gooey filling is a microwave-charred sloppy joe slurry topped with a crunchy blend of Doritos Cool Ranch chips, chicken skins, sea salt, Pop Rocks, human hair, and cottage cheese. Served with two takes on traditional quesadilla dipping sauces: sour cream (a Vanilla thick shake) and salsa (expired ketchup).
CHICKEN AND WAFFLES AND AN ENTIRE PIG DUMPED IN A DEEP-FRIER: A new twist on a Southern classic: We take the breakfast favorite Chicken & Waffles and then add a 200-pound hog that has been dumped in a deep-frier, rolled around in Hershey's chocolate syrup, showered with rainbow sprinkles, deep-fried again, and then plopped atop a styrofoam plate alongside a waffle and a chicken breast and drumstick. Perfect for day games!
THE CHEESE WHIZ FIREHOSE: Here in Atlanta, we’re always pushing the limits of food, and also human decency. That’s why Turner Field is now the only ballpark on earth where you and your family can enjoy a jetstream of boiling-hot Cheese Whiz shot out of a firehose and into your expectant gaping maws. Slip into our Cheese Whiz Poncho and get blasted by a jet stream of manufactured dairy gelatin! It’s just $13 for five seconds of hose time, $21 for ten seconds, and $4 if you want someone to stand behind you and try to catch your splashback. We’re not responsible if you die!
A BABY POOL FILLED WITH CHEESE STEAK MEAT: We inflate a baby pool before your eyes and then back up a dump truck filled with steamed cheese steak meat. Wow, look at all that cheese steak meat! Eat it with a shovel, or with your hands! Who cares! You’re an animal, and we’re enabling your behavior!
EDIBLE SEATS: We’re always looking for new ways to delight and hospitalize our fans, which is why all of the seats in the left field bleachers are now edible. Our food scientists — highly-compensated, manic-depressive sadists — have constructed folding seats out of pork rinds and tater tots. Finished with your Pizza Reuben but still craving a gluttonous death? Chomp down on your arm rest! It’s a giant Snickers bar!