Photo: Evan Vucci (AP)

I’m sorry, “Lyin’” Ted Cruz can’t come to the phone right now. Why? Oh, because he’s dead. In his place, however, I am pleased to introduce you to “Beautiful” Ted—a new and improved nickname unveiled on Monday afternoon by President Donald Trump, before he headed to Texas to campaign with his onetime rival.

But to fully appreciate this revolutionary act of brilliant MAGAnanimity from a man described by human dunce cap Chris Cillizza as the “Michael Jordan of name-calling,” let’s take a stroll down memory lane and appreciate the journey we all went on to get to this epoch in American history. (Before we begin, please turn the volume up on your computer and play Vitamin C’s “Graduation” to set the appropriate mood.)

Okay, are you ready? It wasn’t just that Trump called Ted Cruz “Lyin’ Ted” a lot.



I mean a lot.


Seriously... a whole lot:

Jesus, we get it already:

But Trump went out of his way to threaten Cruz’s wife Heidi, too:


And share unflattering pictures of her:

And questioned Cruz’s citizenship. From January 2016:

A lot of people are talking about it and I know that even some states are looking at it very strongly, the fact that he was born in Canada and he has had a double passport.


And made fun of Cruz’s religion:

And also suggested that Cruz’s dad helped kill John F. Kennedy, in May 2016, four months before Cruz endorsed Trump:

“His father was with Lee Harvey Oswald prior to Oswald being, you know, shot,” Trump said during a telephone interview. “I mean the whole thing is ridiculous. What is this? Right? Prior to his being shot. And nobody even brings it up. I mean, they don’t even talk about that — that was reported. And nobody talks about it.


At least all of this is in the past, though. We’re in the era of “Beautiful Ted” now.