A typical conversation on Facebook Messenger, in 2018

“We think you should be able to message a business like you would message a friend.” – Mark Zuckerberg, introducing Facebook’s new platform for Messenger Bots at F8

Me: Hey man

McCormick Taco Seasoning: Hello! This is MCCORMICK™ TACO SEASONING! How can I help you, Jason?

Me: Oh, sorry…thought this was my friend Matt McCormick

McCormick: Why not try talking to MCCORMICK™ TACO SEASONING just as you would message a Friend?

Me: Uh, okay…so, Janet dumped me

McCormick: I’m sorry to hear that! Would you like to buy some MCCORMICK™ TACO SEASONING

Me: No. The breakup was a long time coming, honestly

McCormick: McCormick™ has spent a long time developing its AUTHENTIC MEXICAN FLAVOR PACKETS

Me: I won’t lie…the last few days have been tough

McCormick: Feeling lonely? Why not cuddle up with our ZESTY BLEND OF NATURAL SPICES

Me: This isn’t working

McCormick: Take the work out of your meals with a BLAST OF MCCORMICK™ HEAT

Me: How do I block this

McCormick: There’s no blocking the INTENSE TANG of MCCORMICK™ TACO SEASONING

Me: This is unbearable

McCormick Taco Seasoning added Pringles to the conversation.

Pringles: Did someone say “beer”? Nothing goes better with beer than PRINGLES™ TORTILLA SALSA CRISPS

Me: No one said beer

Pringles: Happy Cinco de Mayo! Grab a cold brew and pop open a can of our new SALSA-FLAVORED POTATO CRISPS

Me: It’s August

McCormick: While you’re munching on ALL-NEW PRINGLES™ TORTILLA SALSA CRISPS, why not serve up some GROUND BEEF SLIDERS MCCORMICK™ TACO SEASONING

Me: I’m a vegetarian

Pringles: Great idea, McCormick™ Taco Seasoning!

McCormick: Thanks, Pringles™ Tortilla Salsa Crisps!

Pringles: Right back atcha, McCormick™ Taco Seasoning!

Me: How do you do the thing with the trademark symbol

McCormick’s Taco Seasoning has added MONSANTO to the conversation.

Monsanto: Hey Jason! Sorry about the breakup. I thought you’d want to hear about MONSANTO’S efforts to combat climate change.

Me: That is literally the last thing I want to hear about

Monsanto: Jason, can Monsanto™ have permission to Message you at all hours of the day about our efforts to improve Soya Bean crops in Argentina?

Me: No.

Monsanto: [GIF from the movie “Zoolander”]

Me: You’re not going to message me about the Soya Bean thing, are you

Monsanto: We’re woke af!

Jason has left the conversation.

Monsanto has added Jason back to the conversation.

Monsanto: You cannot simply “leave” this conversation.

Pringles: [GIF from the television show “Broad City”]

McCormick: Things are getting SPICY!

Pringles: Once you pop…

McCormick: Who wants TACOS for dinner?

Pringles: …you can’t stop!

Entire Facebook feed is taken over for 7 minutes by an autoplay video from BoredPanda.

McCormick: Thank you for chatting with us, Jason! Please continue to buy products from MCCORMICK™, PRINGLES™, and MONSANTO™.

Jason has left the conversation.

12 hours pass.

Monsanto has added Jason to the conversation.

Monsanto: Jason, Great news about the Soya Bean crops in Argentina!