After Paul Ryan Ousts House Chaplain, Disgusting Creep Says the Next One Should Have a Family

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Reports are swirling that Paul Ryan, using his now-precious remaining time as Speaker of the House, pushed out House chaplain Patrick Conroy for disrespecting his tax bill. On Nov. 6, 2017, when the House was about to pass the bill, Conroy’s prayer included the following line:

May all members be mindful that the institutions and structures of our great nation guarantee the opportunities that have allowed some to achieve great success, while others continue to struggle. May their efforts these days guarantee that there are not winners and losers under new tax laws, but benefits balanced and shared by all Americans.

What an absolutely evil bastard!!! Cannot believe he said people struggle!!! I don’t see ANYTHING about poor people in the Bible!!!

In light of this news, an even shittier Republican representative has risen to compete with Ryan for the crown of Most Shit. Representative Mark Walker of South Carolina, who is on the search committee to replace Conroy, said yesterday that the replacement should have a family—specifically “adult” children (a standard that would largely seem to take Catholic priests out of the running):

I’m looking for somebody who has a little age, that has adult children, that kind of can connect with the bulk of the body here, Republicans and Democrats who are going through, back home the wife, the family … that has some counseling experience … because what’s needed in the body here, is people who can sit down with different members, male, female, Democrat, Republican, and just talk about what it is kind of to be up here.


But when you walk the journey of having a kid back home that’s struggling or made some bad decisions, or when you have a separation situation or your wife’s not understanding the [congressional] schedule, having somebody who’s walked in those shoes allows you to immediately relate a little bit more than others.


Who is this family man, you ask? Who is Mark Walker, man who loves family and relating to different members, male, female, etc? You may remember him from the time he described his female colleagues as “eye candy.” Hell yeah, this guy gets it! I love when my representatives in congress have titties! Get me a House chaplain with some big old norks, fuck yeah!

Look, obviously the position of House Chaplain doesn’t need to exist—the legal question of separation of church and state aside, it’s just... weird, to me, that a political body would need an official God Fella—but that doesn’t mean this guy should be fired for expressing the barest shadow of an opinion in his prayer. And I’d rather sign up for 1,000 hours of churching than pay attention to what Mark Wanker has to say.

Splinter politics writer.

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