This year was, on the whole, extremely bad. However, there were a few good things that happened. Here is an exhaustive list of all of the good things that happened in 2017.
Zachary Cole Fernandez, Splinter salutes you.
The Women’s March in Washington, D.C., drew three times as many people as a certain individual’s inauguration, and somewhere between three million and four million Americans protested in the streets at more than 650 marches nationwide. A good day to keep in our hearts for the next three-plus years.
On January 24, 2017, the Cincinnati Zoo welcomed Fiona the Hippo into the world. Fiona was born six weeks premature, and weighed just 29 pounds at birth. But against tough odds, Fiona survived, making her a fitting avatar for all things good about 2017.
There were simply too many cute photos and videos of Fiona to choose from for this blog, but please do yourself a favor and look back through the Cincinnati Zoo’s Instagram archives:
Keep thriving, Fiona!!! We love you!!!
This is what showing up looks like.
Lmaoooo that was so good.
On June 13, the Knowles-Carter family welcomed fraternal twins Rumi and Sir into the world. Fun fact: the above photo was taken moments after Beyoncé gave birth. No, it’s true!!
On August 21, people across the United States got to witness the first visible solar eclipse since 1979. For a few minutes, we got to look up and bask in communal awe at the wonders of the universe. (I basked in communal awe on the sidewalk outside the coffee shop where I was working that day, after a kind stranger loaned me her eclipse specs.)
If you missed this year’s eclipse, don’t fret—there will be another one in 2024, which will slant Northeast from Mexico through New England.
Listen. I already know what you’re going to say. You’re going to say this doesn’t belong on a Best Things That Happened in 2017 list. If you are saying that in your head, then you clearly have not been awakened to the way and the light that is Fenty Beauty. This isn’t just another iteration of a celebrity buckraking off her brand—the makeup is legitimately really good. I wore the Stunna lip paint to our work holiday party, and it both looked and felt better, and lasted longer, than any lipstick I’ve ever worn. God bless us, every one, but especially Rihanna.
In September, a federal judge revoked Shkreli’s $5 million bail after the hedge fund manager/pharma bro/poster boy for the evils of late capitalism/general shitheel offered his Facebook followers $5,000 in exchange for a lock of Hillary Clinton’s hair. Shkreli faces up to 20 years in prison for securities fraud.
Look: I’m not saying the Juggalos are the political activists of our time. (I’m also not saying they aren’t the political activists of our time.) I’m not saying the Juggalo March was more important than the Women’s March, or the March for Science, or any of the other marches that happened in 2017. I’m just saying I like their flare, and on the whole they seem pretty chill, OK? This is my list, and I say the Juggalo March was Good.
In September, America’s sweetheart Cardi B unseated Taylor Swift on the Billboard Hot 100 chart in late September. One month later, she broke the record for most weeks at the top of the charts by a solo female rapper, after Lauryn Hill’s “Doo Wop (That Thing)” topped the charts for two weeks in 1998. The best rap verse of the year also belongs to Cardi B, IMHO. Her verse on “No Limit” by G-Eazy doesn’t just slap—it informed me that G-Eazy is, in fact, a person who exists in the world.
This is the love story of 2017.
I don’t know the story behind this video, and I don’t want to.
Daisy Ridley! John Boyega! Carrie Fisher (RIP)! PORGS!!!!!!! What’s not to love?
The Leicester, UK-based pet grooming business Wags to Riches (great name) posted this photo to its Twitter account on December 19. The dog nativity scene quickly bounded into the pantheon of viral fame. Jo Kingston, the store’s owner, told the BBC her secret to viral success: “People love seeing the dogs—especially with towels on their heads.” CAN CONFIRM, JO.
On January 20, D.C. police rounded up and arrested more than 200 protesters, journalists and volunteers who were in the vicinity of anti-Trump protests in downtown Washington. While in custody, police searched the defendants’ phones, neglected to give them food and water, and allegedly used “rape as punishment.”
The defendants, who were charged with rioting and conspiracy, faced up to 50 years in prison. On December 21—after a year in legal limbo—a D.C. jury acquitted six of them. Great news! However, there are still more than 180 defendants saddled with the charges. They will go to trial in groups over the course of the next year. There is a lot more work to do in 2018.
This concludes the list of every single good thing that happened in 2017. If you can think of more good things, please leave them in the comments. And remember: be excellent to each other.