All the reasons the Olsen twins are better off without 'Fuller House'

Earlier this week on Jimmy Kimmel Live, Uncle Jesse — er, John Stamos — confirmed rumors that Netflix will show no mercy and resurrect Full House from its 20-year sitcom slumber. Meet Fuller House.

Guys, it’s 2015. Predictability — the milkman, the paper boy, and evening TV— is a pre-millennium artifact. No one curr… It’s over.  Please do not pull us back in.

There’s been loads of speculation about who will actually return for the reboot. Participation seems unlikely for Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen — they’re most likely not on board to reprise their beloved role as Michelle seeing as they were notably absent from the last Full House reunion.

Frankly, the Olsen twins have transcended Full House. They only shared the role because they were literally infants when the show started — so for what good reason would they both come back for the reboot? They possess DuckTales-villain levels of wealth and have more than succeeded in their non-Hollywood ventures.

Let’s just take a look at all the stuff they’ve done since the “You got it, dude!” days:

A crap ton of movies

After the final curtains fell on Full House in 1995, MK&A made their way to the big screen for their feature debut in It Takes Two. The duo had already been making made-for-TV movies and their dope detective agency home video series (let the theme song play in the club, though) for years, so film was a natural progression. New York Minute, 2004’s campy last-attempt at a twin-sister movie got horrendous tepid reviews, and the sisters have only done solo cameos since (Mary-Kate was on Weeds for a few episodes and Ashley has pretty much stopped trying).

A bunch of TV shows

ABC Family knew they’d found a good thing in the Olsen sisters (and their company DualStar Entertainment) at the turn of the century and hosted reruns of ABC’s Two of a Kind and their original So Little Time for a whopping 22 episodes. For some reason the girls were repeatedly cast in movies and shows where their mom was dead or they had no parental supervision at all. ¯_(ツ)_/¯ Still, they were making that paper !

Fashiony stuff

The twins started dabbling in fashion with an early-aughts cosmetics and fashion line at Wal-Mart cumbersomely titled “Mary-Kate and Ashley: Real fashion for real girls.” After honing in on their now-signature diminutive-frames-in-oversized-recently-decesased-grandpa-estate-sale-haul style, they set their sights higher. By 2009 they were all but personally sewing clothes for the masses with their brands including Olsenboye (wut?)— a line for JCPenney, StyleMint, and Elizabeth & James, a higher-end label named for their siblings, with everything from sunglasses to fragrances to handbags. Ashley and Mary-Kate are now focusing on the forthcoming NYC flagship store for their couture label, The Row.

Mary-Kate is engaged to Olivier Sarkozy (who is 16 years her senior with two children) and Ashley is probably cloaked in the darkness of a vintage Shaq-sized cardigan front row at an obscure fashion show in Milan right now. If any Olsen should be playing grown-up Michelle, it’s their younger sister, Elizabeth (Lizzie for the OG fans), who has been crushing it in movies like last year’s Godzilla and this summer’s Avengers: Age of Ultron.

Why on earth would these established moguls need to return to a show that boasts an episode where one of them plays a Greek second cousin in a bad wig???

The defense rests…

Akilah Hughes is a comedian, YouTuber, and staff writer and producer for Fusion’s culture section. You can almost always find her waxing poetic about memes and using too many emojis.