Are you mopping up your seat in anticipation of tomorrow’s early theatrical release of Fifty Shades of Grey? Please don’t distress — like all good sexy times, there’s a teaser for the main event. The official soundtrack dropped yesterday, and science has proven that music is a super-important aphrodisiac.

So to get you in the mood for Fifty Shades the movie — or for anything else, wink wink — the Fifty Shades soundtrack better be pretty darn sexy. We took a deep dive into this collection of songs, track by track. Just how bow-chicka-bow-wow are they? Let’s examine.

1. “I Put a Spell on You (Fifty Shades of Grey)” – Annie Lennox 

Annie Lennox just schooled everyone with her performance of this song at the Grammys. This recorded version doesn’t even approach the crazy, possessed power it had live, but her sultry, low-end range here is perfect for a little bump ‘n grind. –Arielle

Rating: SIX TOTALLY WORTHWHILE CASES OF ROPE BURN

2. “Undiscovered” – Laura Welsh

The generic, adult-contemporary-radio-ready beat of "Undiscovered" is a total buzzkill. This seems tailor-made for sun salutations at a trendy yoga studio, to be followed later by hip openers set to Bjork. Sure, it's inoffensive — but it's also not a turn-on. Plus: This is one of those songs that is all bridge and chorus, and no real words, like the writers thought of one clever phrase and then gave up. –Arielle

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Rating: ONE HOUR OF WEARING HANDCUFFS WHILE DESPERATELY NEEDING TO PEE

3. “Earned It (Fifty Shades of Grey)” – The Weeknd

Once upon a time, the Weeknd traded on this shadowy, mysterious, louche kind of aura, a bad guy who would give you drugs and great sex and leave you self-loathing, but intrigued. This falls somewhere in the middle of the sexiness meter, like he phoned it in for branding. (I hate the fact that the title references the movie’s name.) –Arielle

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I'm into it. –Molly

Rating: FIVE LOCKED COLLARS

4. “Meet Me in the Middle” – Jessie Ware

I have no idea who Jessie Ware is, or what literally any of the lyrics to this song are (I’m guessing “meet me in the middle” comes up at some point), but it is a nevertheless a jam. –Molly

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Jessie Ware is the queen of U.K. sexy, someone who could seriously carry the Sade torch. This is the biggest bright side of the whole deal. Sure, we have to put up with what is likely a cinematic cringe-fest, but yay, a new Jessie Ware tune! –Arielle

Rating: SEVEN GALLONS OF PREMIUM LUBE

5. “Love Me Like You Do” – Ellie Goulding 

Ellie’s a firecracker as a live performer and her voice, when it’s uncompressed and unfiltered, slays. Her less dancey, anthemic songs, though, have often sounded like moody, cinematic fodder — and it finally happened. If this wasn’t the closing-credits song, it would still work there. It doesn’t really scream "panties off." –Arielle

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Rating: ONE AND A HALF MASQUERADE MASKS

6. “Haunted (Michael Diamond Remix)” – Beyoncé

This grimy, bumping remix is objectively pretty great, but we'd prefer to hear it in the club than in the bedroom. –Molly

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Rating: SIX 15-MINUTE SENSUAL BACKRUBS WITH ULTERIOR MOTIVES

7. “Salted Wound” – Sia

Definitely sexy, but sad-sexy — which, for the right audience, may be one of the sexiest sexiness subgenres there is. I find that it helps if you picture Shia LeBeouf writhing to the beat in a filthy, flesh-colored loincloth. –Molly

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Let’s be real: Most of Sia’s vocals here sound like guttural moaning, which reminds everyone of sex. Thumbs up. –Arielle

Rating: SEVEN HEARTFELT SPANKINGS

8. “Beast Of Burden” – The Rolling Stones

One of the sexiest moments in music, period, comes from this song. It’s around the 2:40-ish mark when Mick Jagger croons, “Ain’t I rough enough? Ooooh,” then the note bends slightly. –Arielle

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Mick Jagger is 71 and he can get it. If Mick Jagger were 101, he could still get it. –Molly

Rating: 10 LASHINGS FOLLOWED BY BRUNCH

9. “I’m on Fire” – AWOLNATION

I’m from New Jersey, meaning I am by law a huge Bruce Springsteen fan. The original song was hot. The video was very hot. This is… fine? But AWOLNATION’s cover doesn’t sound like it was sung by a sweaty mechanic who’s totally digging on his married lady customer, and for me, that’s a problem. –Molly 

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How can a band with such active-rock-style capitalization abuse sound like they are about to wet the bed? Ugh, this is like when someone picks up an acoustic guitar at a college party and makes things awkward for everyone. –Arielle

Rating: TWO BAGS OF NOVELTY PENIS GUMMY CANDIES

10. “Crazy in Love (2014 Remix)” – Beyoncé

The original “Crazy in Love” was one of the first truly great things that happened in this millennium, but despite Jay and Bey’s puppy-love chemistry, there wasn’t anything remotely panty-dropping about it. Beyoncé’s sultry, slowed-down reimagining of the song — recorded specifically for Fifty Shades — is sexy in a big way. –Molly

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Rating: EIGHT SILK BLINDFOLDS

11. “Witchcraft” – Frank Sinatra

Old Blue Eyes is a legend, and “Witchcraft” is genuinely lovely, but it’s a first-dance-at-your-wedding kind of song. Simply put, this ain’t fuck music. –Molly

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I’m here for G-ed up Italians in suits. Bring it, Sinatra. –Arielle

Rating: THREE SMOLDERING GLANCES

12. “One Last Night” – Vaults

So much of this soundtrack seems to be composed of breathy-voiced, candles-around-the-bathtub kind of jams. If this is your cup of herbal tea, you’ll open up to this Vaults slow-burner. –Arielle

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Rating: THREE GLASSES OF WINE AT DINNER WHICH MAKE YOU KIND OF SLEEPY

13. “Where You Belong” – The Weeknd

How many Weeknd songs is too many Weeknd songs? This is a question the producers of Fifty Shades apparently never felt the need to ask themselves, but “Where You Belong” works. There’s something a little “Mirrors”-y about it — and while we’re on the subject, couldn’t they have gotten JT to kick out something for the movie, too? Come on. –Molly

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Rating: FOUR BITES ON YOUR NECK

14. “I Know You” – Skylar Grey

So you could definitely strap on the ol’ lyrical-dance shoes for a bunch of twirling to this production, but Grey’s voice delivers some sultry heft here. Let’s ignore the lines about “burning like a cannonball in the air,” since, you know, that’s not actually how cannonballs work. –Arielle

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Rating: FIVE BROKEN HEADBOARDS

15. “Ana and Christian” – Danny Elfman

This isn’t fair to the wildly talented Danny Elfman, but when I see his name, my brain can’t help but go to a very Nightmare Before Christmas, Oingo Bongo place. Not sexy. Anyway, this instrumental interlude is pretty forgettable. –Molly

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Rating: TWO MINUTES OF PASSIONATELY MAKING OUT WITH SOMEONE WITH TERRIBLE BREATH

16. “Did That Hurt?” – Danny Elfman

The title alone is creepy. –Arielle

Yup. –Molly

Rating: ONE TUBE SOCK CLUMSILY STUFFED DOWN SOMEBODY’S UNDERPANTS

Curious? Stream the soundtrack on Spotify and decide for yourself:

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Arielle Castillo is Fusion's culture editor, reporting on arts, music, culture, and subcultures from the streets on up. She's also a connoisseur of weird Florida, weightlifting, and cats.

Molly Fitzpatrick is senior editor of Fusion's Pop & Culture section. Her interests include movies about movies, TV shows about TV shows, and movies about TV shows, but not so much TV shows about movies.