Universal Pictures

The disgustingly brilliant, brilliantly disgusting Amy Schumer has tackled her first major film role in Trainwreck, Judd Apatow's latest directorial effort. The woman behind Comedy Central's Inside Amy Schumer, who also wrote the movie, plays a hard-partying commitment-phobe who works at a men's magazine. She's assigned to write a profile of LeBron James' doctor (Bill Hader), but ends up sleeping with him first. Vanessa Bayer, Brie Larson, Colin Quinn, and King James himself round out the cast.

If the trailer — which premiered online yesterday — is any indication, Trainwreck promises to be disarmingly funny and charming:

While the rest of the Internet was busy relishing the fact that a smart, talented woman is getting the exposure she deserves, Jeffrey Wells of Hollywood Elsewhere seized the opportunity to write a bunch of garbage words instead.

In a post titled "Apatow’s Funny-Chubby Community Has New Member" (this is garbage-speak for "Hello, I Am a Garbage Person, I Hope You Enjoy My Garbage Blog"), Wells characterizes Apatow's relationship with Schumer as an extension of his past work with Melissa McCarthy and Lena Dunham. Each of these women is, you see, a "chubby, whipsmart, not conventionally attractive, neurotically bothered female comic."

He goes on, because of course he does.

[Schumer's] obviously sharp and clever and funny as far as the woe-is-me, self-deprecating thing goes, but there’s no way she’d be an object of heated romantic interest in the real world. [That emphasis is his — I know, right?] Schumer, no offense, looks like a blonde Lou Costello around the time of Buck Privates, or like Jennifer Aniston's somewhat heavier, not-as-lucky sister who watches a lot of TV and should probably work out more.

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Honestly, it's 2015. Do I really need to remind you what an overtly sexist double standard has plagued Hollywood casting for years? Unappealing male stars are paired with bombshell wives as a matter of course, from the films of Woody Allen through According to Jim. What makes this doubly headache-inducing is that Schumer is a conventionally attractive woman, if not a classically conceived movie star. Jeffrey, have you been to the "real world?" There are many, many people who would gladly do sex all over Amy Schumer.

I'm concerned that you don't seem to understand that the whims of your particular penis have no bearing here. No one gives a fuck about who you'd like to fuck.

Fortunately, Wells — who thoughtfully mused Wednesday morning, "If this is the new Uma then I’m no longer interested…no offense" — has come prepared with an alternative casting suggestion.

Don’t look at me — I’m not the one who made her the star of a film about a plucky, free-spirited girl that a lot of guys want to bang. You know who would be better in a film like this? An actress who’s nicely attractive, has the funnies and the soulful stuff besides? Jenny Slate.

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Hey, Jeff? Do us a favor. Next time you intend to sleep with someone, please bring a printed-out copy of this post for her to read in full before she agrees to remove a single article of her clothing.

UPDATE:

This afternoon, Amy Schumer posted a sexy tweet that can't be anything but a response to Wells and his fat-shaming ilk. Get it, lady.

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Molly Fitzpatrick is senior editor of Fusion's Pop & Culture section. Her interests include movies about movies, TV shows about TV shows, and movies about TV shows, but not so much TV shows about movies.