An explanation of Mike Huckabee's insane Trump tweets, by Mike Huckabee

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9:57AM: Okay, okay—some of you still aren't getting this metaphor.

Trump is driving on the highway, and maybe he runs over a hitchhiker. But he still gets to his end goal: the White House.


10:03AM: Some of you are appalled that Trump would kill a hitchhiker and then keep driving. But this country needs a strong leader who isn't afraid of a little vehicular homicide—especially if it's some guy who probably doesn't even own land.

10:13AM: Some of the dense knuckleheads in the media aren't understanding. Donald Trump will murder ANYONE with his car—landowners or not—and continue to drive, even if he killed the Pope. Hillary cannot, and will not, run down Pope Francis in a Toyota Tercel, even if it meant more jobs in our great cities like Pittsburgh and Montreal.

10:22AM: Okay, let me make this clear: Trump isn't running over the Pope, specifically. He's running over homeless people; he's barreling through the Kenyan Olympic track & field team; he's killing an entire family of ducklings, including the baby ducks. If you're on the highway for some reason — maybe your car broke down; maybe you're running in the Olympic marathon, and the highway has been closed for the event — he will swerve the steering wheel and knock you dead, because that means progress.

10:29 AM: The dumb-dumbs at Bull-Shitico (what I call Politico) are too stupid to process these tweets. Donald Trump is like a monster truck with tank treads and flame decals, barreling toward the White House in a school zone. He is ignoring all traffic signs (because he's a maverick) and if he feels the crunch of bones under his tires, that's what kind of president he'll be. Hillary is going 23 MPH in the left lane because she forgot her driving glasses at Chili's.


10:43 AM: It's amazing how the Crass Media misconstrue my comments. In the metaphor, Trump is killing people with his car inside a school zone; I never said he was killing schoolchildren, specifically.

10:47 AM: Though just to clear the record: Donald Trump would run over schoolchildren in his car, if it meant returning this great country to prosperity. Hillary Clinton would never run over a child on purpose. Think about that when you're at the polls on Tuesday.


10:52 AM: The Journo-Nazis at the Huffington Puke are at it again. The car is a simile, and vehicular homicide is a rhetoric. Donald Trump is driving around America like a 14-year-old playing Grand Theft Auto, swerving onto the sidewalks to take out pedestrians. Hillary Clinton is running errands in a Prius, picking up medicine for her Ebolalzheimers. I know which one I want to be president.

Hint: It's the pedestrian murderer.

10:57 AM: Wow, the dingleberries at BuzzScreed must have a chunk of poop in their brains. This election comes down to a simple choice: Do you want a president who revs up his Humvee and drives it as fast as he can directly into a brick wall, severely injuring the hundreds of people inside the orphan hospital; or do you want a president whose driver is high on Quaaludes, blasting Motorhead, speeding in reverse toward a bank of Port-a-Potties at Coachella?


11:01 AM: Governor Huckabee is stepping away from Twitter for the afternoon. He urges you to vote for Donald Trump, who is an excellent driver.

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