Have you heard???? Angelina Jolie is divorcing Brad Pitt!
Who am I kidding: of COURSE you heard. When TMZ broke the news on Tuesday morning, it felt like the entire planet, and probably a couple of other ones nearby, let out a collective gasp. Brangelina?! REALLY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Yes. Really. TMZ—which, as we all should know by now, has a very long track record of being correct on these issues—reported that Angelina has problems with Brad's weed and alcohol consumption and, much more scarily, that his "anger problem" and "interactions" with their six children were making things "dangerous." (People backed the latter claim up.) Also, according to the New York Post, Angelina may have set a private eye on Brad and found him having an affair with Marion Cotillard? Which is all, if it's true, very bad.
Brad will presumably have some response to these allegations. (Update: he says he is sad and wants privacy.) For now, though, we are left to gape at the fact that such a titanic celebrity duo is no more. This is really happening, people.
Naturally, everyone is freaking the hell out. Look at Elle magazine, a venerable news outlet, losing its mind.
So many capital letters!
Look at these people almost fainting in multiple languages!
CÓMO QUE ANGELINA JOLIE SE DIVORCIA DE BRAD PITT? El día más triste de mi vida
— Daniela (@DanielaBertoli_) September 20, 2016
Look at these seasoned journalists admitting that their newsrooms stopped in their tracks.
Look at CNN implying that the breakup caused a LITERAL EARTHQUAKE. Did it? Scientists should investigate!
Look at the sudden appearance of a million Jennifer Aniston memes! (Note: Jen PROBABLY is not rejoicing this much, but whatever.)
jennifer aniston be like: pic.twitter.com/Vxaauy9tNw
— MNEK (@MNEK) September 20, 2016
And can we really doubt that, on some distant outpost in the galaxy, some weird aliens are having a meltdown right now? Food for thought anyway.
Will the world ever be the same? Of course not! But also, yes.