A bad place: Flickr

It’s winter. The beach? I’d love to live on one. A warm one. Right by a great city. Where might that be? Uhhhh....

Let’s stipulate that I’d like to stay in the continental United States. I’m a patriot. Still a big place. Thousands of miles of coastline. Lots of towns out there. Well let’s just find the dream place, shall we? I have only a few criteria that I think you will agree are simple, modest, and reasonable:

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  • It has to be warm all year. No reason to live on a damn beach that gets freezing.
  • It has to have a nice beach. Not some damn rocky cliffs.
  • It has to have a real, cool city to live in. Not some damn tiny cute tourist town or windswept crossroads.

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Okay. You think this is easy? Well let’s see. First of all we can rule out everything on the east coast north of South Carolina and everything on the west coast north of Monterey because those places get COLD and are NOT real beaches, DON’T try to lie to me. Now, with the aid of a “map” of the USA, let’s go through the remaining candidates and see how they stack up, shall we? Starting on the east coast....

Myrtle Beach: Hellhole. Shitty Daytona.

Charleston: Nice but racist. Small. Living in a fuckin post card.

Hilton Head: Horrible golf people (racist).

Jacksonville: Yeah right. Big ditch. Alcoholics.

Daytona Beach: Hellish.

Miami: Worst possible mix of gangsters, cocaine, hedge funders, assholes from New Jersey, “art” people. Will be underwater soon.

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Tampa: Awful place.

Pensacola: Shithole version of Tallahassee. Surrounded by woods.

Mobile: Nope.

Galveston: I don’t even fuckin know.

Corpus Christi: Barely a city at all really. In Texas.

San Diego: Republicans. Soldiers. Not cool overall.

Los Angeles: Traffic. Gangs. Hollywood people. No.

Guess what, that’s all the cities.

Until we manage to build a new New York City somewhere warm, there is no hope.