Beto O'Rourke Can Never Be President Until He Addresses This Scandal

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Isn’t Beto O’Rourke so cool? He skateboards! He loves burgers! He listens to The Clash!


Well let me tell you folks, as someone who understands the value of dressing appropriately for the weather, here’s something that’s not so cool: Wearing a t-shirt in the snow in January.

Having spent a lifetime being brutalized by Minnesota winters, here’s what I know:

If there’s that much snow on the ground, wear a jacket. If you’ve gotta wear gloves, wear a jacket. Got kids stuck wearing full winter gear? Buddy, you’d better be wearing a jacket too, unless you love with hearing “but whyyyyy do I have to zip all the way up when daaaaad doesn’t have to??” every six or seven minutes. He’s even got his kid not wearing a jacket! There’s a quarter foot of snow on the ground! A great example you’re setting, dad.

What are you trying to prove, my dude? That you’re too cool for sensible winter wear? Worried some mean teenagers will call you “Beto O’Dork”? Get outta here with that bullshit. There’s no such thing as being too cool for a nice jacket, maybe a scarf, definitely something to cover your ears. Being cold is no time to be cool. It’s a time to get comfortable.

You want us to believe you can govern effectively? Hell, maybe even someday become president? Not a chance man. I’m not wasting my precious vote on someone who doesn’t appreciate appropriate thermal gear. I mean, jeez, a fleece zip-up, a shearling lined hoodie, even a waffled long-sleeve undershirt would work. Something. Anything. Christ, what do you think it’ll be like when you get inside that igloo you’re making? I’ll tell you what it’ll be like: It’ll be cold, because it’s made of snow.


I honestly can’t believe that I, a grown man, have to tell you, another grown man, how to dress in the winter. I need to calm down. Maybe I’ll take a walk. And because it’s January, and because there’s snow on the ground, I’m gonna wear a goddamned jacket, too. Your move, tough guy.

Senior writer. When in doubt he'll have the soup.